Shepherding a Child's Heart

Communication is Dialogue, Not Monologue
We often think of communication as the ability to express
ourselves. Accordingly, we think of ourselves as talking t o our
children. Instead, you should seek to talk with your children.

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Communication is not monologue. It is dialogue.
It is not only the ability to talk, but also the ability to listen.
Proverbs 18:2 speaks to this issue with penetrating insight: “A fool
finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own
opinions.” Proverbs 18:13 reminds us that “He who answers before
listening—that is his folly and his shame.”
The finest art of communication is not learning how to express
your thoughts. It is learning how to draw out the thoughts of another.
Your objective in communication must be to understand your child,
not simply to have your child understand you. Many parents never
learn these skills. They never discover how to help their children
articulate their thoughts and feelings.
There is a certain irony in all this. When children are little, we
often fail to engage them in significant conversation. When they try
to engage us, we respond with uninterested “uh huh’s.” Eventually,
they learn the ropes. They realize that we are not interested in what
goes on in them. They learn that a “good talk” for us is a “good
listen” for them. When they become teens, the tables turn. Parents
wish they could engage their teens, but the teens have long since
stopped trying.
Crystal is a good example. Her parents brought her for counseling.
They said she was withdrawn. They knew she was in trouble, but she
would not talk to them. Her mother was a screamer. Communication
was limited to periods of volcanic activity. When Mom spewed forth
lava, Crystal learned to head for cover. Her father was a withdrawn,
distancing person. He rarely engaged anyone. Crystal, age fourteen, is
boiling and surging inside, but has never had the benefit of her
parents’ understanding involvement. With biblical counseling she is
learning to talk and Mom and Dad are learning how to draw her out
and then listen to what she says.