Shepherding a Child's Heart

Focus on Understanding

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Your first objective in correction must not be to tell your children
how you feel about what they have done or said. You must try to
understand what is going on inside them. Since the Scripture says that
it is out of the abundance of the heart that the mouth speaks, you must
engage your children to understand what is going on inside.
What is important in correction is not venting your feelings, anger
or hurt; it is, rather, understanding the nature of the struggle that your
child is having. What is important is understanding the “why” of what
has been done or said. You need to understand not just what has
happened, but what is going on within your child. Remember, it is out
of the abundance of the heart that the mouth speaks. Your question in
correction is this: What is the specific content of the abundance of the
heart in this circumstance? What was the temptation? What was his
response to that temptation? What was he trying to accomplish? If
you can understand and help your child understand these things, you
will be on your way to understanding the “why” of what has
transpired. What you must do is peel away the behavior and discern
the inner world of your child’s motivation in this situation. While you
can never understand the issues of the heart flawlessly, it is a pursuit
worthy of effort.
Imagine this scenario: Your child is putting on his new sneakers.
You knew last night when you bought them that he was not really
happy with them, but they were the only ones you could afford. Now,
as he is getting ready for school, he is crying. How are you going to
handle this one? If your objective is to let him know what you think,
you may say something like this:
“Look, I know you don’t like the sneakers, but that’s all I could
afford. Don’t be such a baby. What would Jared say if I told him you
were crying over something like this? They’re just going to get
messed up anyway. In a couple of days no one will know what they
look like. What do you care about what those kids think about your
sneakers? Who made them the experts anyhow? You should be

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thankful you even have them. Those sneakers you don’t like cost
more than my first car. Look, I have to go to work; I have more
important things to worry about than sneakers … ”
Now, if your primary objective is to understand the child’s
internal struggles, you could have a conversation like this:
Parent: You’re upset about the sneakers, aren’t you?
Child: Yeah.
Parent: I didn’t think you liked them when we bought them last
night. You didn’t want to tell me, did you?
Child: No.
Parent: What don’t you like about them?
Child: They look stupid.
Parent: I don’t know what you mean.
Child: Jared says they look stupid.
Parent: When did Jared see them? We just got them last night.
Child: Chris got a pair just like this and Jared told everybody in
class that he looked like a dweeb.
Parent: What’s a dweeb? Oh, never mind. What looks dweeby
about those sneakers?
Child: This red stripe on the back. They don’t put red stripes on
the new ones. They’re last year’s shoes—that’s why they were only
$87.98.
Parent: Oh, I see. You’re afraid that they will call you a dweeb
today, right?
Child: Yeah.
Parent: That really hurts, doesn’t it?
Child: Yeah. I don’t know why they should care about what my
shoes are like, but I know they’ll call me a dweeb.
What are you learning? Your child is struggling with feelings that
you can identify with. There is a genuine pressure out there in his
third-grade classroom. He is feeling the pressure to be approved by

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his peers. This circumstance is bringing out the hopes and fears of his
heart.
Your communication objective can be stated in several simple
propositions.
1. The behavior you see is a reflection of the abundance of your
child’s heart.
2.
You want to understand the specific content of the
abundance of his heart.
3. The internal issues of the heart are of greater import than the
specifics of behavior, since they drive behavior.
To summarize: You want to understand your child’s inner
struggles. You need to look at the world through his or her eyes. This
will enable you to know what aspects of the life-giving message of
the gospel are appropriate for this conversation.
If you are going to understand and help your child understand
himself, there are skills you must develop. You must learn to help
your children to express themselves. You must learn to facilitate
conversation. You must know how to comprehend behavior and
words. You must strive to discern matters of the heart. Proverbs 20:5
says, “The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of
understanding draws them out.” As a parent, you want to be such a
person of understanding.
Think about the Incarnation of Jesus Christ. It is a good model for
interaction with your children. God could have remained off in
heaven. He could have spoken through cloud and thunder as he did in
Exodus 19. But what does God do in the incarnation? He comes to
earth to dwell with us. He takes on flesh and blood like your flesh and
blood. He takes a human psychology like we have. He accepts all the
limitations of a man on the earth; he can only be in one place at one
time. He experiences all the things we experience. He is tired and
hungry at Jacob’s well in John 4. He weeps at Lazarus’ tomb.
Hebrews 2 sayssays, “He suffered when he was tempted.”

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You see, in the Incarnation, God comes to dwell with us in such a
way that he can look at the world through your eyes. He fully
understands what it is to be human and to face the temptations that
human beings experience. That is the triumphant note of Hebrews 4.
Therefore, since we have this great high priest who has passed
through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to
the faith we possess. For we do not have a high priest who is
unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who
has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without
sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so
that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time
of need.
(Hebrews 4:14-16)
Jesus can look at the world through your eyes.
I would have to confess, to my shame, that often my children had
a father who was unable to sympathize with their weaknesses. I was
too focused on correcting external behavior and not focused enough
on understanding my kids.
But, as it often was for me, dealing with disobedience is a
wonderful opportunity to draw alongside our children. As you learn
their internal struggles with sin, you have an inside track. You, like
they, are a sinner. You can use your insight into the nature of
temptation to help them understand their own battles. You can also
encourage your children that the unending grace and mercy that you
have found in Jesus Christ is offered to them as well. In him there is
righteousness that we cannot produce, forgiveness that we cannot
merit, and power that we cannot generate. There is hope for needy
people in this one who became flesh and dwelt with us.
In which of the imaginary conversations above can the gospel be
most powerfully presented? The answers are obvious. You will have
to develop skill at probing the heart if you want to really understand

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your children. Most parents have had this sort of conversation with
their children:
Mom: Why did you hit your sister?
Junior: [pausing, staring at the floor] I don’t know.
Mom: [exasperated] What do you mean, “I don’t know?”
Junior: I don’t know.
And so it goes. Depending on how long Mom’s fuse is, Junior had
better begin knowing something very soon! What is the problem
here? Is it that Junior is simply refusing to talk? Probably not. He is
simply being asked questions he cannot answer. He lacks the depth of
understanding and self-reflection to be able to respond coherently to
his mother’s questions. He needs to have the issues focused in a
different way.
The “Why did you .…” line of questioning never works with
children (and rarely with adults). Here are some more productive
questions:
1. “What were you feeling when you hit your sister?”
2. “What did your sister do to make you mad?”
3. “Help me understand how hitting her seemed to make things
better.”
4. “What was the problem with what she was doing to you?”
(You need not deny the fact your child has been sinned against.
Perhaps he was sinned against. Let him tell you about it.)
5. “In what other ways could you have responded?”
6. “How do you think your response reflected trust or lack of
trust in God’s ability to care for and protect you?”
Each answer to these questions can open other avenues of pursuit
in understanding what was behind Junior’s behavior.
There are many different questions that address his sin and help
him understand the Godward spiritual struggles of his heart and his
need of Christ’s grace and redemption. My point is this: You must

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begin by seeking to understand the nature of the internal conflict that
was expressed in hitting his sister.
As he answers the above questions, your role is to help him
understand himself and speak with clarity and honesty about his
internal struggles with sin.
There are four issues you must walk him through: 1) the nature of
temptation, 2) the possible responses to this temptation, 3) the
motives for those responses, and 4) the sinful response he chose.
In this process you stand both above him and beside him. You are
above him because God has called you to a role of discipline and
correction. You are beside him because you, too, are a sinner who
struggles with anger toward others.
Parents tend to do one or the other. Some stand in such solidarity
with the child in his failure (asking, “How can I correct him when I do
the same things?”) that they fail to correct. Others stand so much
above that they are hypocritically distanced from their children. You
must remember that you engage your children in this manner as
God’s agent. You, therefore, have the right and obligation to censure
evil. You do so as a sinner who is beside them and able to understand
the way sin works in the human heart.
Having seen the importance of communication as one of the
primary biblical methods of childrearing, we will turn in the next
chapter to a description of various types of communication described
in Scripture.