The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts

chapter twelve

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L
OVING THE
 U
NLOVELY
I
t was a beautiful September Saturday. My wife and I were
strolling through Reynolda Gardens, enjoying the flora,
some of which had been imported from around the world.
The gardens had originally been developed by R. J.
Reynolds, the tobacco magnate, as a part of his country
estate. They are now a part of the Wake Forest University
campus. We had just passed the rose garden when I
noticed Ann, a woman who had begun counseling two
weeks earlier, approaching us. She was looking down at
the cobblestone walkway and appeared to be in deep
thought. When I greeted her, she was startled but looked up
and smiled. I introduced her to Karolyn, and we exchanged
pleasantries. Then, without any lead-in, she asked me one
of the most profound questions I have ever heard: “Dr.
Chapman, is it possible to love someone whom you hate?”
I knew the question was born of deep hurt and
deserved a thoughtful answer. I knew that I would be seeing
her the following week for another counseling appointment,
so I said, “Ann, that is one of the most thought-provoking
questions I have ever heard. Why don’t we discuss that next
week?” She agreed, and Karolyn and I continued our stroll.

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But Ann’s question did not go away. Later, as we drove
home, Karolyn and I discussed it. We reflected on the early
days of our own marriage and remembered that we had
often experienced feelings of hate. Our condemning words
to each other had stimulated hurt and, on the heels of hurt,
anger. Anger held inside becomes hate. What made the
difference for us? We both knew it was the choice to love.
We had realized that if we continued our pattern of
demanding and condemning, we would destroy our
marriage. Fortunately over a period of about a year, we had
learned how to discuss our differences without condemning
each other, how to make decisions without destroying our
unity, how to give constructive suggestions without being
demanding, and eventually how to speak each other’s
primary love language. (Many of those insights are
recorded in an earlier book, 
Toward a Growing Marriage,
Moody Publishers.) Our choice to love was made in the
midst of negative feelings toward each other. When we
started speaking each other’s primary love language, the
negative feelings of anger and hate abated.
Our situation, however, was different from Ann’s.
Karolyn and I had both been open to learning and growing. I
knew that Ann’s husband was not. She had told me the
previous week that she had begged him to go for
counseling. She had pleaded for him to read a book or
listen to a tape on marriage, but he had refused all her
efforts toward growth. According to her, his attitude was: “I
don’t have any problems. You are the one with the

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problems.” In his mind he was right, she was wrong—it was
as simple as that. Her feelings of love for him had been
killed through the years by his constant criticism and
condemnation. After ten years of marriage, her emotional
energy was depleted and her self-esteem almost
destroyed. Was there hope for Ann’s marriage? Could she
love an unlovely husband? Would he ever respond in love to
her?
I knew that Ann was a deeply religious person and that
she attended church regularly. I surmised that perhaps her
only hope for marital survival was in her faith. The next day,
with Ann in mind, I began to read Luke’s account of the life
of Christ. I have always admired Luke’s writing because he
was a physician who gave attention to details and in the
first century wrote an orderly account of the teachings and
lifestyle of Jesus of Nazareth. In what many have called
Jesus’ greatest sermon, I read the following words, which I
call love’s greatest challenge.