The 50th Law (with 50 Cent)

Passive Aggression—Its Strategies and How to Counter
Them
Most of us are afraid of outright confrontation; we want to appear
reasonably polite and sociable. But often it is impossible to get what we
want without asserting ourselves in some way. People can be stubborn
and resistant to our influence, no matter how congenial we are. And
sometimes we need a release from all of the inner tension that comes
from having to be so deferential and correct. And so all of us inevitably
engage in behavior in which we assert ourselves indirectly, striving for
control or influence as subtly as possible. Perhaps we take extra time to
respond to people’s communications, to signal a slight bit of disdain
for them; or we seem to praise people but insert subtle digs that get
under their skin and instill doubts. Sometimes we make a comment
that could be taken as quite neutral, but our tone of voice and the
expression on our face indicate we are upset, stirring up some guilt.
We can call this form of aggression passive, in that we give the
appearance that we are merely being ourselves, not actively
manipulating or trying to influence people. Nevertheless, a message is
sent that creates the effect we desire. We are never quite as passive as
we seem in this. In the back of our minds, we are aware that we are
taking an extra long time to get back to someone or putting a dig in a
comment, but at the same time we can also pretend to ourselves and to
others that we are innocent. (We humans are capable of holding such
conflicting thoughts at the same time.) In general, we must consider
this everyday version of passive aggression to be merely an irritating
part of social life, something we are all guilty of. We should be as
tolerant as possible of this low-grade passive aggression that thrives in
polite society.
Some people, however, are chronic passive aggressors. Like the
more active aggressors, they generally have a high degree of energy

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and need for control but at the same time a fear of outright
confrontation. They often had domineering or neglectful parents;
passive aggression became their way of getting attention or asserting
their will while avoiding punishment. Such behavior becomes a pattern
for them as adults, as they often repeat the same types of strategies
that worked in childhood. (If we observe the passive aggressor closely
enough, we can often see the manipulative child peeking through the
adult mask.)
These chronic types operate in a personal or work relationship, in
which their drip-drip passive-aggressive strategies can take effect on
an individual over time. They are masters at being ambiguous and
elusive—we can never quite be sure that they are attacking us; perhaps
we are imagining things and are paranoid. If they were directly
aggressive, we would get angry and resist them, but by being indirect
they sow confusion, and exploit such confusion for power and control.
If they are truly good at this and get their hooks into our emotions,
they can make our lives miserable.
Keep in mind that actively aggressive types can generally be quite
passive-aggressive at times, as Rockefeller certainly was. Passive
aggression is simply an additional weapon for them in their attempts
at control. In any event, the key to defending ourselves against passive
aggressors is to recognize what they are up to as early as possible.
The following are the most common strategies employed by such
aggressors, and ways to counter them.