A new Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated

Davis: [no response] 
Mother: What do you think? 
Alden (back from retrieving the purse): I’m going to 
be late! 
Davis, to his brother: SHUT UP, JERK! 
Alden: No, you shut up! 
Mother, to Alden: Alden, I want you to go wait for 
me by the front door. Now! 
Alden: He told me to shut up! 
Mother: I heard what he told you. It wasn’t very nice. 
Now go wait for me by the front door. 
Mother, to Davis: Davis, the only way I can think of to 
work this out is for you to bring the Legos with you 
while your brother is at his swim lesson. If you can 
think of other solutions, I’m happy to listen. 

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Plan B 
117 
Davis (starting to pack up his Legos): I’m not taking a 
swim lesson, so don’t try to make me. Look! I told 
you the Legos were going to break apart! 
Mother (switching to the new problem): Let’s think of 
how we can transport the Legos so they don’t fall 
apart. Thanks for trying to work this out. 
Davis: I wasn’t trying to work it out. 
Mother: Well, you did a good job anyway. 
Is the swimming lesson problem solved durably? Not 
yet. That problem should be the topic of a Proactive Plan 
B discussion within the next few days so it gets solved 
once and for all. 
There’s much more to cover about Plan B, but you’ve 
been given a lot to digest already. And upon first reading 
about the Plans, many adults come to some instanta-
neous misconceptions. So let’s get a few things cleared 
up before they cause trouble. 
Many people have the misconception that the CPS 
model requires that they suspend all of their expecta-
tions in order to reduce their child’s explosions. It sounds 
something like this: “So let me get this straight, I’m sup-
posed to drop all my expectations so my kid doesn’t 
explode anymore?” Wrong. Dead wrong. Expectations are 
a good thing, especially the realistic variety. The CPS 
model does require that adults (1) consider whether, 

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118 
The Explosive Child 
given the hand they’ve been dealt, their expectations for 
their child are truly realistic; (2) think about whether 
some expectations need to be eliminated (at least for the 
time being) to set the stage for the child to be more 
“available” to discuss and resolve more pressing prob-
lems; and (3) begin responding to unmet expectations 
using Plan B, given that Plan A hasn’t exactly gotten the 
job done. 
Many people also believe that the Plans are a rank-
ing system for expectations. Here’s how that sounds: 
“So the stuff I really care about, that’s Plan A. And the 
stuff I sort of care about, that’s Plan B. And the stuff I 
don’t care about at all, that’s Plan C. Yes?” No. The 
Plans are not a ranking system. Each Plan represents a 
distinct way of responding to unmet expectations. 
With Plan A, you’re imposing your will and greatly 
heightening the likelihood of explosions. With Plan C, 
you’re dropping the expectation completely, at least 
temporarily. And with Plan B, you’re discussing and 
working out solutions that are realistic, doable, and mu-
tually satisfactory. 
Some folks have the misconception that Plan B is the 
average of Plans A and C. Not so. Prior to learning about 
Plan B, many parents thought they had only two op-
tions: impose their will (Plan A) or drop their expecta-
tions (Plan C). If you’re using only Plans A and C, then all 
you’re really doing is picking your battles. But the combi-

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Plan B 
119 
nation of those two options brings you no closer to col-
laboratively and durably solving problems with your 
child. 
Finally, some people think Plan B is supposed to work 
like magic. Plan B isn’t magic. It’s the hard work of two 
people (you and your child) putting their respective con-
cerns on the table and putting their heads together to 
solve a problem that has been causing explosions and ill 
will for a very long time. Some problems require more 
than one conversation. Sometimes things get hot enough 
with Plan B to necessitate that the participants take a 
break from the action (“I think we’re starting to get up-
set at each other, and that wasn’t the goal of having this 
discussion. Maybe we should stop talking for a while and 
come back to it later”). And sometimes the first Plan B 
solution doesn’t get the job done. That’s not the signal to 
abandon ship. That’s just a sign that the solution you 
both thought would accomplish the mission didn’t ac-
complish the mission (a fairly common scenario in the 
human experience!). Most durable solutions are the by-
product of previous solutions that didn’t quite get the 
job done. 
Now, in the beginning of this chapter you were as-
signed the task of making a list of the problems that are 
routinely causing your child to become frustrated. This is 
your list of “problems that have yet to be solved.” Now 
comes your next assignment. Pick one or two of these prob-

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120 
The Explosive Child