A new Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated

Oscar: Well, what is your main goal then? 
Father: Our main goal is to help you be normal. 
Oscar: So now I’m not normal. Thank you very much, 
loser. 
Speculation is always going to be a risky undertaking. 
So how about agreeing on a new family rule: Each family 
member is allowed to comment only on his or her own 
thoughts and motivations. In other words, you should 

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Family Matters 
213 
speak only for yourself, using “I” statements, such as “I 
worry about your getting to bed so late” or “I feel very 
hurt when you say that.” If your child does need help ar-
ticulating his needs or frustrations, your attempts to as-
sist him should be framed tentatively (“Correct me if I’m 
wrong, but I think what you may be trying to say is . . .”
or “Maybe what you’re frustrated about is . . .”) and
should involve an absolute minimum of psychologizing 
and value judgments. You’re also going to need someone 
to keep conversations on track so they don’t swing off the 
topic. Now, a therapist could be that someone for an 
hour or two a week. But ultimately, it’s going to have to 
be a family member, and as you may expect, parents are 
the early frontrunners for this position. Many of the ex-
plosions that occur in interactions with explosive chil-
dren have little to do with the issues that were the main 
topic of conversation in the first place. When issues are 
brought up in a way that doesn’t elicit defensiveness, 
most of these children are willing or even eager to talk 
about important desired topics such as these: 
• How they can handle frustration and think things 
through more adaptively and how you might be able 
to help. 
• How you’d like to start trying to resolve disagree-
ments in a mutually satisfactory manner through 
civil discussion. 

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214 
The Explosive Child 
• Things each family member is saying that make an-
other family member defensive and how to commu-
nicate with each other in a more productive way. 
Of course, it’s also critical to listen closely to what the 
child has to say on these topics; to recognize that it can 
take the child a long time to spit something out; and to 
remember that if a child isn’t ready to talk about some-
thing at a given moment, you probably won’t have much 
luck trying to force the issue. Come back to it later when 
you’ve got better odds. 
Another maladaptive communication pattern—called 
overgeneralization—refers to the tendency to draw global 
conclusions in response to isolated events. Here’s how it 
would sound from a parent: