A new Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated

Parent: Jen, was Susie having a good time during 
your play-date this afternoon? 
Jen: I don’t know. I guess so. 
Parent: I wasn’t so sure. I noticed that she didn’t look 
too happy while you were playing with your 
PlayStation. She was just sitting there. 
Jen: She was watching me play. 
Parent: I got the impression that maybe she was tired 
of watching you play and was wishing that she 
could play, too. 

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204 
The Explosive Child 
Jen: She didn’t say that. 
Parent: No . . . but I could tell because her face 
didn’t look very happy. 
Jen: Oh. 
Parent: You like when Susie comes over to our 
house, yes? 
Jen: Uh-huh. 
Parent: Yeah, me too. I’m just a little worried that if 
she doesn’t have a good time she might not want 
to come over anymore. Yes? 
Jen: Yeah. 
Parent: So what do you think we should do? 
Jen: I could try harder to share with her. 
Parent: Yes, you could. That would be great. And I 
wonder if maybe I could help you notice if 
Susie’s not having such a good time next time 
she comes over. Just in case you don’t notice. 
What do you think? 
Jen: OK. 
Proactive B discussions often take much longer than 
those depicted above, especially on complicated issues 
like sharing and appreciating how one’s behavior is af-
fecting others. And as you now know, the first solution 
often doesn’t get the job done. But at least the concerns 
are on the table and the ball is now rolling. 

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9 
Family Matters 
A
n explosive child can lay bare 
many family issues that might never have risen to the 
surface had the parents been blessed with a less difficult 
child. But family issues can also complicate or impede 
implementation of Plan B. Maladaptive family commu-
nication patterns, for example, can make it a lot harder 
for family members to discuss important problems pro-
ductively; in some instances, these communication pat-
terns can actually fuel explosions. Sibling issues, never 
easy to deal with under the best circumstances, are even 
more troublesome when one of the siblings is inflexible, 
205 

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206 
The Explosive Child 
easily frustrated, and explosive. Sometimes parents have 
difficulties of their own—job stresses, financial problems, 
or marital issues—that may make it hard to devote extra 
energy to Plan B. And sometimes grandparents or other 
relatives don’t make the task easier. We’d better take a 
closer look at these issues. 
SIBLINGS 
Even in so-called ordinary families, adversarial interac-
tions between siblings can be considered fairly norma-
tive. But adding an explosive child to the mix can make 
standard sibling rivalry look like a walk in the park. For 
example, though it’s not uncommon for “ordinary” sib-
lings to direct their greatest hostility and most savage 
acts toward each other, these acts can be more intense 
and traumatizing when they’re inflicted—chronically— 
by an explosive child. And though it’s not unusual for 
“ordinary” siblings to complain about preferential treat-
ment and disparities in parental attention and expecta-
tions, these issues can be magnified in families with an 
explosive child because he may require such a dispropor-
tionate share of the parents’ resources. Finally, though 
many siblings seem to get their thrills by antagonizing or 
teasing one another, an explosive sibling may be consid-
ered less capable of responding to such antagonism in an 

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Family Matters 
207 
adaptive way; such interactions may therefore have the 
primary effect of fueling countless explosions. 
Fortunately, Plan B can improve interactions among 
siblings. Depending on their ages, it is often useful to 
help brothers and sisters understand why their explosive 
sibling acts the way he does, why his behavior is so dif-
ficult to change, how to interact with him in a way that 
reduces hostility and minimizes the likelihood of aggres-
sion or explosions, and what the parents are actively do-
ing to try to improve things. Brothers and sisters tend to 
be more receptive if there’s an improvement in the gen-
eral tone of family interactions and if the explosive sib-
ling is blowing up less often and becomes an active