A new Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated

Sister: What are you going to do if I start swearing? 
Mother: I’d help you think of different words, too. 
Then again, you don’t seem to have a problem 
with swearing, which is really good. So it doesn’t 
look like that’s what you need my help with. 
Sister: Yes. Math is what I need help with. 
Mother: Exactly. 
Can Plan B be applied to interactions between an ex-
plosive child and his siblings? Why not? The parents are 
facilitating Plan B discussions by ensuring that the con-
cerns of both siblings are on the table and that solutions 
address both concerns. Plan B is still the mechanism by 
which some essential skills are being taught and prob-
lems are being solved, except now in the context of sib-
ling interactions. The brothers and sisters end up feeling 
good because their explosive sibling is more approach-
able and less terrifying; they see that their views are be-
ing heard, that they are involved in the process of 
working toward a solution that takes their needs into ac-
count, and that you’re able to handle things in an even-
handed manner. The explosive child ends up feeling good 
because you’ve helped him avoid treating his sibling in a 
way he’d be sorry for later, helped him work out a solu-
tion that takes his needs into account, and reinforced 

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210 
The Explosive Child 
your role as helper. Eventually the goal is for the kids to 
work out their difficulties without your assistance 
(which may be occurring some of the time already). 
Be forewarned that, in some instances, the behavior of 
seemingly angelic siblings begins to deteriorate just as 
the behavior of their explosive brother or sister begins to 
improve. This is often a sign that the emotional needs of 
the siblings require closer examination. In some cases, 
therapy may be necessary for brothers and sisters who 
have been traumatized by their explosive sibling or who 
may be manifesting other problems that can be traced 
back to the old family atmosphere. 
If you feel that your family needs help working on 
these issues, a skilled family therapist can be of great as-
sistance. You may also wish to read an excellent book, Sib-
lings Without Rivalr y by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. 
COMMUNICATION PATTERNS 
A family therapist can also help when it comes to making 
some fundamental changes in how you communicate with 
your child. Dealing effectively with an explosive child is 
easier (not easy, easier) when patterns of communication 
between parents and child are adaptive. When these pat-
terns are maladaptive, dealing effectively with such a child 
is much harder. As you might imagine, some of these pat-

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Family Matters 
211 
terns are more typical of older explosive kids. But the 
seeds may be sown early. Although not an exhaustive list, 
here’s a sampling of some of the more common patterns. 
Parents and children sometimes get into a vicious 
cycle—called speculation—of drawing erroneous conclu-
sions about each other’s motives or cognitions. Others 
have referred to this pattern as psychologizing or mind 
reading, and it can sound something like this: