A new Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated

lems and tr y using Proactive Plan B with your child at an 
opportune time. If it goes well, terrific. If it doesn’t go 
well, pay special attention to Chapters 7 and 8. 
Need a brief summary of what you’ve just read? Here 
goes: 
• There are three options for responding to problems 
or unmet expectations: impose your will (Plan A); 
drop the expectation completely, at least for now 
(Plan C); and work out a solution that is realistic, 
doable, and mutually satisfactory (Plan B). 
° 
With Plan A, you’re pursuing your expectation 
but greatly heightening the likelihood of an ex-
plosion. 
° 
With Plan C, you’re eliminating the potential for an 
explosion but not pursuing your expectation. 
° 
With Plan B, you’re reducing the likelihood of an 
explosion and pursuing your expectation. 
• Any unmet expectation that can be responded to by 
using Plan A can also be responded to by using Plan 
B. In other words, you’re setting limits with Plan A, 
and you’re setting limits with Plan B, but in very dif-
ferent ways. You don’t lose any authority using Plan 
B. None. 

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Plan B 
121 
• Plan B consists of three steps: Empathy (plus Reas-
surance), Define the Problem, and the Invitation. If 
you don’t do the three steps in order, you’re not do-
ing Plan B. If there aren’t two concerns on the table, 
you’re not doing Plan B. And make sure there are 
two concerns on the table instead of two solutions, 
or the problem won’t get solved. 
• There are two forms of Plan B: Emergency B and 
Proactive B. Calm, rational discussions are usually 
tougher with Emergency B because of added heat; 
Proactive B is more likely to lead to durable solutions. 
• Skillful execution of Plan B is hard, and it takes time 
to get good at it. The more you practice, the easier 
Plan B becomes. Plan B isn’t something you do two or 
three times before returning to your old way of doing 
things. It’s not a technique; it’s a way of life. 
• There are lots of things that can interfere with suc-
cessful execution of Plan B. So don’t get discouraged 
if things don’t go swimmingly in the beginning. You 
don’t fix a reading disability in a week. You don’t fix 
this learning disability—or the habit of responding to 
your child with Plan A—in a week, either. 
Let’s finish this chapter with a few more examples of 
Emergency Plan B before moving to a more advanced 

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122 
The Explosive Child 
discussion of Plan B and more examples of Proactive 
Plan B. 
DRAMA IN REAL LIFE 
Mickey, Minnie . . . Meltdown? 
Remember Casey from Chapter 4? He and his par-
ents and sister took a trip to Walt Disney World, and 
their first day went wonderfully. They were a pretty 
tired*, hungry* crew as they left* the Magic Kingdom 
on their way back to their hotel. (The asterisks desig-
nate well-known triggers: fatigue, hunger, and transi-
tions.) Of course, this scenario had graver implications 
for Casey than for his sister. Just after they’d gotten 
outside the gates, Casey uttered the following, omi-
nous request: “I want cotton candy.” 
“You can’t have cotton candy because we’re not go-
ing back into the park to look for it,” said the father 
instinctively. 
Casey stopped dead in his tracks. “I want cotton 
candy!” he said loudly. 
The parents exchanged glances. They’d become 
pretty good at making quick decisions about what Plan 
they wanted to use and contemplated their three op-
tions. Plan A would only cause a lengthy explosion. 

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Plan B 
123 
Nothing to be gained there. That left only Emergency 
Plan B and Plan C. Going back into the park for cotton 
candy would have been extremely inconvenient, and 
they wanted Casey to eat a good dinner. So Plan C 
wasn’t ideal because they did have a concern to put on 
the table. 
“Casey, I think you’re very tired,” the mother said, 
abandoning low-risk empathy. 
“I want cotton candy!” he said, moving closer to the 
edge of the cliff. 
The father jumped in with low-risk empathy and 
an attempt to clarify Casey’s concern. “You want cot-
ton candy!” he said. “What’s up?” 
“I want cotton candy!” said Casey. Maybe there was 
nothing to clarify. 
“I think we need to find a way to work this out, 
Casey,” the father said calmly. “You want cotton candy, 
and we want to get back to the hotel to get something 
to eat. Can you think of a good solution?” 
“No!” Casey pouted, crossing his arms, still on the 
edge. 
“Well, let’s think about this for a second,” said the 
father, crouching down next to his son. “We could look 
for someone selling cotton candy on the way back to 
the hotel . . . or we could just wait until we’re back in 
the park tomorrow to buy cotton candy . . . or we 
could buy you something to snack on besides cotton 

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124 
The Explosive Child 
candy. Can you think of something else you’d like to 
eat on the way home besides cotton candy?” 
“I want cotton candy,” whined Casey, but his tone 
suggested that rational thought might slowly be re-
turning. 
“Well, I’m not saying you can’t have cotton candy, 
but I don’t want to go back into the park. We could 
look for someone selling cotton candy on the way 
home,” said the father. “Would that work for you?” 
Casey started walking toward the car again. 
“Can I have cotton candy, too?” asked Casey’s sister. 
The mother bit her lip. “Whatever we get, you can 
have some, too,” she said. 
Once in the car, the family spent the next ten min-
utes with their faces glued to the windows, scanning 
the horizon for potential cotton candy vendors. Casey’s 
capacity for rational thought slowly returned. There 
was one small problem, of course: They hadn’t yet 
come upon any stores that might be selling cotton 
candy. With Casey’s capacity for rational thought 
somewhat restored, the father felt Casey might be able 
to handle the bad news without falling apart. 
“I don’t see anyone selling cotton candy, guys,” he 
said. “But there’s a McDonald’s up ahead—should we 
see what kinds of snacks we can find there? Maybe 
some French fries?” 
“Oh, boy, McDonald’s!” exclaimed Casey. 

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Plan B 
125 
“Don’t forget, this is just a snack, guys,” said the 
mother. 
Casey rushed into the McDonald’s, ate his fries, and 
wound up eating a decent dinner back at the hotel. 
Had the parents decided to handle the cotton candy 
problem with Plan A, they would likely have endured 
yet another long explosion. Had they decided to handle 
things using Plan C, they would have gone back into 
the park for cotton candy. By deciding to use Plan B, 
they averted an explosion on an important issue. Their 
son still ate some of what they wanted him to eat, and 
they gave themselves, Casey, and his sister some addi-
tional practice at solving problems collaboratively. They 
were being responsive to the hand they’d been dealt 
and were still, without doubt, authority figures. 
DRAMA IN REAL LIFE