A new Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated

and invited him to solve the problem with you?” 
“He started screaming at me,” said the mother. 
“Sounds like he must have had a concern,” said the 
counselor. “The problem is, when you skip the empathy part 
and jump right to your concern, he thinks you’re using 
Plan A.” 
“So what should I have said?” asked the mother. 
“Well, do you have any ideas about what concern he 
might have had about doing his homework before his karate 
class? Has this come up before?” 
“Oh, it comes up all the time,” said the mother. “He says 
he needs a break before he does his homework.” 
“Why does he need a break?” asked the counselor. 
“Well, he’s been in school all day—this is what he says— 
to tell you the truth, I don’t know how hard he’s actually 

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136 
The Explosive Child 
working in school. Anyway, he always seems to have enough 
energy for karate . . .”
“But I suppose it makes some sense that if he’s been in 
school for six hours, he might need a break before he 
jumps right into homework,” said the counselor. “Sounds 
like a valid concern to me, if that’s what his concern actu-
ally is.” 
“I suppose so,” conceded the mother. 
“So let’s think of what empathy might have sounded 
like,” said the counselor. “What could you have said if you 
wanted to start Plan B off with empathy? Let’s assume 
you’re doing Proactive Plan B.” 
“Uhm . . . you mean something like, ‘You’re tired when 
you get home from school’?” the mother volunteered. 
“That’s a start,” said the counselor. “Then you can follow 
the empathy with your concern. See, then you’ve actually got 
a problem to solve. Remember, you don’t have a problem to 
solve until you’ve got two concerns on the table.” 
“This is hard!” said the mother. 
“It takes a little getting used to. But we don’t want you to 
miss out on the good stuff empathy brings to the mix. It 
keeps him calm and it gets his concern on the table.” 
“So how would we have solved the problem?” asked the 
mother. 
“I don’t know how you would have ultimately solved the 
problem. That’s between you guys, but I’m betting there are 
lots of possibilities. Of course, we don’t uncover those possi-

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Learning Curves 
137 
bilities unless we’re doing Plan B. Have a Proactive Plan B 
discussion with him this week and see if he has any ideas 
about how you guys could solve that problem before it comes 
up again—once and for all?” 
DEFINE THE PROBLEM 
You might think that this step wouldn’t often go missing 
since adults usually know what their concerns are. The 
reality is that adults often don’t know what their con-
cerns are—they know what their solutions are. It’s actu-
ally quite common that adults have never really given 
much consideration at all to what their concerns are. 
A ten-year-old boy went to summer camp for two months. 
The family therapist anticipated that the boy and his par-
ents would be happier than usual when they came in for 
their first session after he came home from camp (since they 
hadn’t seen one another for two months). But what walked 
into the office were three livid people. 
“What’s up?” the therapist asked no one in particular 
once the three were seated in the office. 
“They won’t give me my money,” the boy seethed. 
“What money?” asked the therapist.