A new Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated

The boy growled, “They put two months of allowance 

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138 
The Explosive Child 
into the camp canteen so I’d have money to spend at camp. I 
didn’t spend all of the money they put into the canteen. 
NOW I WANT MY MONEY BACK!” 
This sounded like a pretty specific concern, so the thera-
pist turned to the father and asked, “What do you think?” 
The father replied, “Over my dead body.” 
The therapist pondered what Plan “Over my dead body” 
was. Having quickly concluded that the father was using 
Plan A, the therapist tried to help the father articulate his 
concern more specifically. “What’s your concern about that, 
Mr. Tremblay?” 
“My concern is that Kyle’s not getting his money back!” 
said the father. 
Kaboom. The next ten minutes were fairly unpleasant. 
The therapist was finally able to convince the boy to leave 
the office, whereupon she looked at the father and asked the 
million-dollar question: “I’m assuming you meant to be do-
ing Plan A, yes?” 
“What makes you think that?” the father responded, a 
little puzzled. 
“Well, if you had been doing Plan B, you would have 
tried to work it out; and if you were trying to do Plan C, you 
would have just given him the money,” the therapist said. 
“You said ‘Over my dead body,’ which sounded very much 
like a ‘no’ to me.” 
“Oh, I don’t care if he gets the money,” the father replied. 
“So what’s your concern?” asked the therapist. 

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Learning Curves 
139 
“My concern? What do you mean, my concern?” 
“Your concern—you know, whatever’s making you say 
‘Over my dead body.’ ” 
“I don’t like the tone he was using,” said the father. 
“Does Kyle know that’s your concern?” the therapist 
asked. 
“I don’t know,” said the father. “Why?” 
“Because if your concern isn’t on the table, or if it’s not 
specific enough, Kyle will have no idea what problem you 
guys are tr ying to solve—and neither will you.” 
INVITATION 
Many adults manage to get through the first two steps of 
Plan B and therefore get two concerns on the table. But 
then they dictate the solution and are faced with an ex-
plosion anyway. (In the words of the song, “So close . . .
so close and yet so far away.”) Sometimes this is because 
the adults still can’t fathom that a child might be able to 
come up with a realistic, doable, and mutually satisfac-
tory solution; but most often, it’s just a bad habit. 
The mother of a nine-year-old boy named Chuck arrived at 
the therapist’s office for an appointment one April day and 
was extremely exasperated. 

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140 
The Explosive Child 
“What’s up?” the therapist asked. 
“He just exploded in the car,” she responded. 
“Over what?” 
“He wants caps for his cap gun,” she replied. “Can you 
imagine? An explosion over caps?” 
“I can imagine,” the therapist said. “Why did he explode 
over caps?” 
“He wants them today,” she said, “and I don’t have time 
to buy them today.” 
“So you don’t object to his having caps for his cap gun,” 
the therapist said. 
“No, he can have all the caps he wants,” she said. “I even 
tried to work things out with him!” 
“Really, what was the solution?” the therapist asked ex-
pectantly. 
“I told him I’d buy him the caps in June,” she said. 
“June?” asked the therapist. 
“June,” she said. “I told him he could have the caps in 
June.” 
“How did you come up with June?” the therapist 
asked. 
“I don’t know—it just came to me,” she said. 
“Uhm, I think you may have skipped a step,” the thera-
pist said. 
“What do you mean?” she asked. 
“Well, you got two concerns onto the table—he wants 
his caps today and you don’t have time to buy them 

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Learning Curves 
141 
today—but you never really invited him to solve the prob-
lem collaboratively.” 
“What would a good solution have been?” the mother 
asked. 
“That’s for you and Chuck to decide,” the therapist 
said. “Something realistic, doable, and mutually satisfac-
tory. Chuck’s reaction tells us your solution wasn’t mutu-
ally satisfactor y.” 
“You think he can do this?” said the mother. 
“I’ve seen him do it before,” said the therapist. “But let’s 
get Chuck in here and see,” the therapist said. 
Chuck came into the office. “I understand you want caps 
for your cap gun,” the therapist said. 
“Yeah, but she won’t get them for me till June,” he 
groused. 
“I think your mom might be willing to work out a solu-
tion to that problem,” the therapist said. 
“That was the solution!” Chuck complained. 
“No, I think your mom might really be willing to work it 
out,” the therapist said. “Chuck, you want to buy caps today 
and your mom doesn’t have time to buy them for you today. 
Can you think of a way to work that out?” 
Chuck pondered the possibilities very briefly but then be-
came a little agitated. “I can’t think of a way to work it out!” 
he said, squirming on the couch. 
“If you need my help figuring it out, I’m happy to assist,” 
the therapist said. “Can you think of any ideas?” 

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142 
The Explosive Child 
“NO!” Chuck screamed. “How ’bout May?” he pleaded 
in desperation. 
“May could be a ver y good solution,” said the thera-
pist. Chuck quickly calmed. Then, knowing full well what 
his response would be, the therapist asked, “When in 
May?” 
Without missing a beat, Chuck said, “May first.” 
The therapist looked at the mother. “How would May 
first be for you?” 
The mother pulled out her date book, leafed through to 
May 1, and said, “May first would be a fine day to buy 
caps.” 
Of course, there are other possible factors that are inter-
fering with the successful implementation of Plan B. It’s 
possible that your child is lacking some skills crucial for