A new Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated

participating in Plan B. That’s the topic of the next chap-
ter. It’s also possible that one or more of your child’s 
pathways would be better addressed by medicine than 
by Plan B. That topic is covered in chapter 10. 
In the meantime, you now have enough information 
about the CPS model to have lots of questions. So let’s 
answer some. 
When is my child going to be held accountable for his 
actions? 

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Learning Curves 
143 
For many folks, “Hold the child accountable” is code for 
“punishment.” Many people believe that if the conse-
quences a child has already received for his explosions 
haven’t caused him to stop exploding, it must be because 
the punishments didn’t cause the child enough pain. So 
they add more pain. The majority of explosive kids have 
had more pain than most people experience in a lifetime. If 
pain was going to work, it would have worked a long time 
ago. And you now know the things reward and punishment 
programs do well: They teach basic lessons well and they 
motivate well. It is the premise of this book that your child 
already knows you don’t want him to explode and is already 
motivated not to explode. Mission accomplished. The no-
tion that the only thing these kids need is a good kick in the 
butt is simply wrong and doesn’t do justice to the diverse 
mechanisms that may underlie a child’s difficulties. Indeed, 
a lot of the so-called explanations for their behavior are 
simply clichés that have little meaning once you think 
about them a while: 
• “He just wants attention.” We all want attention. So 
“he just wants attention” can’t possibly explain why 
he’s exploding. 
• “He just wants his own way.” We all want our own 
way. So that couldn’t possibly explain why he’s ex-
ploding. 

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144 
The Explosive Child 
• “He just wants control.” We all want control. Same deal. 
• “He won’t cooperate.” If you’re talking about the true 
meaning of the word cooperate—“to collaborate, to 
come together”—then it’s a pretty sure bet you’ve 
never given him the chance. 
• “He’s manipulative.” I doubt it. Good manipulation 
requires forethought, planning, impulse control, or-
ganizational skills. Eighty percent of explosive kids 
are also diagnosed with ADHD. What are some of 
the core features of ADHD? Poor forethought, poor 
planning, poor impulse control, poor organizational 
skills. Explosive kids are typically very poor manipu-
lators. They’re bad at it. Competent manipulation is 
when you don’t know you’re being manipulated. If 
you know you’re being manipulated, you’re dealing 
with an incompetent manipulator. 
• “He just needs to step up to the plate.” How often do 
you step up to the plate when you’re lacking the skills 
needed to hit the ball? 
What’s the CPS definition of holding a child account-
able? Give him the skills he needs so he doesn’t explode 
anymore . . . and so he doesn’t need your help anymore. As
long as your child is relying on your consequences as his 

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Learning Curves 
145 
motivation to not explode, he’s not even close to being 
“held accountable.” If you’re not teaching a child the 
skills he needs to solve problems effectively and stop ex-
ploding, then you’re not setting the stage for him to “be 
accountable.”