A new Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated

dained solutions. It’s fine to have some ideas, but if 
you already know what the solution is before the dis-
cussion begins, you’re using Plan A, not Plan B. 

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Learning Curves 
133 
• You may be agreeing to solutions that aren’t realistic, 
doable, and mutually satisfactor y. Better to keep talk-
ing now than to agree on a solution that’s only going 
to precipitate an explosion later. 
• You’re feeling like you’re not ver y good at Plan B yet, so 
you’ve been using a lot of Plan C instead and have been 
feeling as if your concerns aren’t being addressed. By
definition, your concerns won’t be addressed with 
Plan C. No one is great at Plan B in the beginning. 
You and your child are getting good at this together. 
• You’re feeling as if you’re not ver y good at Plan B yet, so 
you’re still using a lot of Plan A instead. Remember 
empathy (not “no”) is the first step of Plan B. Empa-
thy, not “no.” Then do the remaining two steps. 
But the most common reason things don’t go well 
with Plan B is missing steps. You’re not using Plan B un-
less you’re doing the three steps in the prescribed order: 
1. Empathy (plus Reassurance) 
2. Define the Problem 
3. Invitation 
You may be routinely skipping a step. Let’s take a closer 
look. 

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134 
The Explosive Child 
EMPATHY 
If you skip the Empathy step, your child will think 
you’re using Plan A because you’re leading off with your 
concern and that’s usually a signal that you’re about to 
impose your will. The Empathy step keeps your child 
calm, gets his concern on the table, and reminds him 
that you’re trying to do things differently. 
A mother arrived at the counselor’s office one day with a fa-
miliar complaint. 
“Plan B isn’t working,” she said. 
“Tell me the story,” said the counselor. 
“Well,” said the mother, “on Tuesday I told Jeremy that I 
wanted to make sure he got his homework done before his 
karate class and asked him how we could work that out.” 
“So your concern was that he wouldn’t get his homework 
done before his karate class,” said the counselor. 
“Right. I know that if he doesn’t do his homework before 
his karate class, it’s not going to get done because by the time 
we get home from his karate class he’s too tired.” 
“That makes sense,” said the counselor. “And what was it 
that you were trying to work out?” 
“What were we tr ying to work out?” asked the mother, a 
little confused. “How we were going to get his homework 
done before his karate class.” 

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Learning Curves 
135 
“What was Jeremy’s concern?” asked the counselor. 
“His concern?” asked the mother, still confused. 
“Yes, at the moment I’m hearing only your concern, 
which is that you were worried that he wouldn’t get his 
homework done, and your solution, which is that he do his 
homework before karate class. What was his concern?” 
“I didn’t know he had a concern,” said the mother. 
“I’m wondering if that’s because you skipped the first 
step of Plan B . . . empathy,” the counselor said. 
“I knew I was doing something wrong!” said the mother. 
“No one does ver y well at this in the beginning,” said the 
counselor. “What happened when you told him your concern