Adult children: the secrets of dysfunctional families

Part of this life review process includes looking at past mistakes
and regrets, dealing with the loss and sadness that these bring, and
finishing up any business with loved ones that has not yet been
finished. We may need to apologize to someone. Or we may need
to tell someone that their behavior made us angry and we've been
carrying around that anger all these years. Or we may simply need
to tell someone that we love them and that we appreciate their love.

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For those of us who have risked passing through all of the
preceding stages of life, old age and death do not have to be awful
and frightening. To the contrary, it can be a period of wisdom and
wholeness. As Plato wrote in The Republic, approximately 370
B.C.: "Old age has a great sense of calm and freedom. When the
passions have relaxed their hold, you have escaped, not from one
master, but from many."
For those of us who have not taken the risks to have our feelings
and live our lives fully, old age can be a terrible curse.
We often recall reading the case study in a psychiatric text about a
woman who spent her entire life caring for her hypochondriacal,
manipulative mother. The other two children in the family grew up
and left home, leaving the youngest in the clutches of Mom. Upon
Mom's death at the age of 95, this youngest daughter of hers, now
70 years old, had a complete and total psychotic breakdown,
tearing out her hair, slashing her wrists and smashing her head into
the wall over and over in a hopeless rage at the fact that she had
devoted her entire life to someone who was supposed to have let
her go free in late adolescence.
Too often we adult children are not only victims of our
unrecovering parents while we are children, but also when we are
adults and our parents are old and dying. And yet, even the most
dysfunctional parents can die with a sense of wholeness if they are
open to it. Growth here on earth doesn't stop until we die.
We are reminded of a friend of ours whose parents died recently.
Both were chemically dependent and "recovering" in old age,
primarily because of medical reasons. Both had had tremendous

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conflicts throughout their 51-year marriage with the last 10 to 15
years being relatively peaceful. And it was not until the very last
year of her life that his mother was able to attain that serenity
which is encouraged by all of our 12-step programs. But attain it
she did. At her funeral our friend read the following (excerpted
from a longer eulogy):
"More, your life was a mixture of great joy and deep sorrow. For
the joys that you experienced, I am very happy. For the sorrow that
you experienced, I am sad now, but that will pass. Sadness allows
healing; and I understand that those little deaths along the way give
us depth and wisdom. The last year of your life was filled with a
serenity that I shall never forget ... I want to thank you for the
tremendous dignity that you demonstrated this past year, in living
alone, and in your dying, and also for the wisdom to fight to die in

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your own house. You went 'gently into that good night', and I have
hope now that I can do the same someday."
We would like to end this chapter with a quote from Charles
Dickens:
Father Time is not always a hard parent, and, though he tarries for
none of his children, often lays his hand lightly on those who have
used him well.
Charles Dickens, Barnaby Rudge, II, 1840

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INTERLUDE

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15 
The Rabbit
Once upon a time not so long ago, a Little Rabbit was born in a
burrow along the edge of a beautiful forest. Her mother and father
cared for her diligently, and she was growing up healthy and
strong.
Then one day as her parents were heading toward the burrow at the
end of the day, a fox leaped from behind a tree, chased her mother
down, and killed her and ate her. The Little Rabbit's father ran as
fast as he could until he got home, where he told the Little Rabbit
what had happened. They were both very sad and very afraid, and
the father did not leave the burrow for many days.
But they needed to eat, and so one day he left the burrow to look
for food. He was very cautious and very nervous. As he was
nibbling on some small green plants not more than a few steps
from the entrance to the burrow, the wily fox leaped from behind a
tree, chased him down and ate him right on the spot. The Little
Rabbit was shaking inside the burrow because she knew what had
happened. She crawled down as far as she could in the burrow, and
cried herself to sleep.
The next morning the Little Rabbit awoke very hungry, but she was
afraid to leave the burrow. Then suddenly, from a distance, she
could hear the voices of two children who were passing through the
forest on their way home. She crawled up to the entrance of the

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burrow and poked her nose out to sniff the air. There was no sign
of the fox, so she peeked out of the burrow to see where the voices
were coming from. The two children were walking right toward her
burrow, but for some reason the Little Rabbit was not afraid. They
looked liked such happy, gentle children.
When they got a little closer, they spied the Little Rabbit peeking
out of her burrow. They walked a little closer and then sat down to
wait for the Little Rabbit to come out. Finally she did.
"How are you, Little Rabbit?" they asked.
"Not very well," replied the Little Rabbit. "My parents have been
killed by an evil fox and I am all alone here in my burrow. I am
afraid to come out and forage for food, and I fear that I shall starve
if I don't eat soon."
"Well," said the children, "why don't you come with us? You can
live at our house and we will feed you and keep you safe from all
harm."
The Little Rabbit was very happy. She trusted these children, and
she said that she would love to live with them. She hopped out of
her burrow and jumped into the arms of one of the children, and
they took her home. They took very good care of her, and she lived
with them for several years.
Then one day she decided to go into the forest to look for some
food. While in the forest, she met three other rabbits, who were
very excited to introduce themselves to her. They thought that she
was very pretty.
"Hello, Little Rabbit," said the first one.

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"You are a very pretty rabbit," said the second one.
"Would you like to go for a walk with us?" asked the third.
The Little Rabbit was confused, and then she blutted out, "I am not