Adult children: the secrets of dysfunctional families

Handling Conflicts
Conflict in relationships is unavoidable. Whenever two people get
close to each other for a while, their very separateness will lead to
differences of opinion, needs or values. This is natural. In healthy
relationships, these conflicts get settled. In unhealthy ones, they
drag on and on and on; or both people compromise so much that
they both feel bored.
Common Interests?
This one is very hard to pin down. Do we need to have all of the

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same interests? Some of the same interests? A few? Is it better to
have none at all? It certainly helps to have some interests in
common, just as it helps to have some of the same personality traits
in common. But by no means do we have to be the same. We know
of successful couples who are very similar in interests and
personality, and we know of some who are very different. What
seems to be most important is that we meet each other's needs in

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ways that are meaningful to our partner or friend, that we share a
"global life view", and that the relationship is life-enhancing rather
than draining for us.
Dialogue on Intimacy
We somtimes walk a fine line between love and dependency. True
intimacy is a precious gift which is freely given with no strings
attached. At the same time, we must have reciprocity in our
relationships, which sounds at first like a contradiction.
Misinterpreted, this reciprocity turns into the "Owe-Pay Syndrome"
that we discussed above. Actually, it isn't.
The tough part is that we must want give-and-take in our
relationships. There must be enough for us in the relationship to
want to give something back. We cannot give something back
simply because the other person demands it. And we cannot
demand from another what we want from them. We can only ask.
This is truly a paradox. For we Adult Children, it is the toughest
paradox of all for us to transcend.
Think about the following exchange between partners:
B: I've been reading this book about intimacy between Adult
Children, and it says that we have a tendency to either get
enmeshed with each other or get too detached from each other.
What do you think we do?
R: Hmmm ... I don't know, I think we have a pretty good balance
between the two.
B: Yeah, I guess so ...

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R: What's the matter? You sound a little sad.
B: Oh, I don't know. I mean, don't you think we get too far apart a
little too often?
R: Not really. I think we have a good balance between our own
separate lives and the life that we share. But obviously you don't.
What's the matter?
B: I just don't think that we have that great of a relationship. Yeah,
that's what I think.
R: Well, you don't have to have a fit about it! Can't we just talk it
out?
B: Have a fit about it? You're being judgmental again!

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R: Judgmental? All I said was "Don't have a fit about it." Why does
that make me judgmental?
B: Having a fit is supposed to be okay?
R: Oh, c'mon, You know what I meant.
B: Yeah. You meant I was unstable.
R: Give me a break, will you?
B: What do you mean, then?
R: Let's stop for a minute.
B: Okay.
R: You were reading this book about Adult Children, and it
triggered something that's been gnawing at you. I care about you. I
want to know what's gnawing at you.
B: Oh. You really do care, then?
R: Yes, I do.
B: Oh. That feels good. (There is a long silence.) That's what's been
gnawing at me. Sometimes we get too far apart and then I wonder
if you care about me.
R: I do care about you. And, you know, I agree with you. We do get
too far apart sometimes.
B: I feel a lot better. This was beginning to turn into one of those
"old-time fights" that we used to have. It was scaring me.
R: I like the way you can identify those subtle feelings. Scared.
Yeah. I was scared, too.

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B: Thank you. I need some time with you. Without the kids.
Without the phone ringing off the hook.
R: I need some time with you, too.
B: When can we get some time like that?
R: I have to get this report done by Monday. But if I got off my
rear-end, I could easily get it done by tomorrow night. I've been
putting it off because I hate doing it. We could have the whole
weekend to ourselves.
B: Where shall we go?
R: Anywhere is fine with me. You pick the spot.
B: I'll do that.

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R: I love you.
B: I love you, too.
This interchange began harmlessly, escalated into a near-disaster,
and then worked out. There is reciprocity here. Therefore, it works.
But what is reciprocity? Why did it work? It worked because these
two people have equal power, need, influence, dependency,
independence, interdependence, separateness, strength, courage,
dignity, self-respect and ... well ... their cups are relatively full.
"The paradox" is not a paradox for this particular couple because
they have transcended the paradox. They have gone bed it. This