Adult children: the secrets of dysfunctional families

part of this definition which is so crucial. While there are many
types of intimacy, such as physical, sexual, intellectual, social,
spiritual and the sharing of play and hobbies, intimacy in any of
these domains with loss of self on a regular basis is not intimacy it
is dependency.
Loss of self during sex is normal and okay, but always deferring to
another's wishes and never asking for what we like is not okay and
it is not healthy. If we really don't care what movie we go to, then
letting someone else choose the movie makes sense. If we do care
deep down inside and still rarely state our preference, then we are
being overly dependent.
The best way to truly evaluate the health of our relationships is to
identify how we truly feel, which requires that we are in enough of
our own recovery to let those feelings come to the surface. We

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have listed below how intimacy feels compared to dependent
relationships.
Intimacy
Dysfunctional Relationships
(Interdependent)
(Dependent/Isolated)
whole
desperate
joyful
fearful
competent
anxious
interested
rejected
strong
angry
clear
confused
comfortable
abandoned
peaceful
exhausted
fulfilled
invisible
grateful
controlled
happy
used
excited
manipulated
trusting
empty
alone-ness
loneliness
together-ness
identity-less
Believe it or not, we know of several marriages and long-term friendships
that can best be described by the list on the left.
Below we have outlined some of the issues and problems that seem to

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crop up the most in relationships between Adult Children.
Objectification
With our cups running on "empty", we have a strong tendency to make
our friends and lovers into "things" that are designed to make up for our
deficiencies. We objectify each other by trying to make our friends into
our therapists, moms and dads or saviors.
We make each other into sex-objects who are designed to make us feel
momentarily better and intimate, but we lack the ability to be intimate in
the much broader terms necessary for a healthy relationship. As therapists
and human beings, the authors sincerely believe that true intimacy is made
up of the little day-to-day actions that many of us view as "boring" until
we get into recovery.

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The Owe-Pay Syndrome
Another form of objectification is to do a lot of things for others to
the point of burnout in the hope that they will then be indebted to
us and be nice to us in return. We then proclaim loudly or softly
that the other person "owes" us. We say, "Look at all I've done for
you!" That statement is a red flag indicating that we are in an
addictive relationship, and that we have compromised our identities
and our dignity.
Communicating Feelings
As the famous psychotherapist Carl Rogers (1973) has suggested,
any persistent feeling needs to be expressed, no matter how trivial
it may seem at the time. In relationships that work well, these
feelings are aired and dealt with before they become deep
resentments. They are also shared tactfully, with respect for the
other's dignity.
For example: "Tom, I need to talk to you about the amount of time
we spend together. I love you very much, yet lately I have been
feeling that I don't have enough tithe to myself, and I don't want
those feelings to interfere with what I feel for you ..."