Adult children: the secrets of dysfunctional families

Partner Choice
Family systems theorists speak of how we re-enact our family of
origins in our adult lives, so there is some truth to the old Freudian
idea that we marry our father or our mother. But people get
confused by this idea because they only look at the surface
characteristics of themselves and More and Dad.
If Mom was overly emotional and clingy, we might marry someone

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who on the surface is strong and independent. If the systems from
which we came are dysfunctional, then that strong independent
woman will be foreclosed with a dependent child living within her
body. When her dependency comes out, it may take the form of her
being demanding, pushy and critical. Her fear causes that, and it is
no fun to be around.
Or she may reveal her dependency in letting you walk all over her
you being the offender and she being the victim. She will be
competent and independent at work, and helpless in her
relationship with you.

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What actually happened here is that you reacted to Mom's
helplessness and dependency, became the offender like your dad,
and married someone who you thought was the opposite of Mom
but who really wasn't. Reacting to our families of origin means that
we are not free of them. They still control us if we have to react to
them instead of making our own choices based on a clear identity.
Unclear Boundaries
We get tangled up in each other's lives too much. Your sadness
becomes my sadness. Or I expect you to meet all of my needs and
demand this. I want you to fill my cup, and I don't know how to
stop asking and demanding. I push you for sex when you don't
want it. I make you stay up half the night to "talk about problems".
I get jealous if you have friends, especially of the opposite sex. In
other words, I don't let you be you. I blame you for my
unhappiness instead of doing what I need to do to become happier.
We started out as separate people before we met.
If we are unrecovering Adult Children, we quickly get so tangled
up that we can't have intimacy because we've lost our identity.
Separation Problems
Separation is part of life. a big part of it. Life is a continual coming
together and separating. We have trouble with this because we get
frightened that if the other goes away, they'll never come back. So
we create lots of conflict around our separations. We fight when
one of us is about to leave for a four-day business trip. Then we
harangue the other upon their return. After being apart for the day,
we meet at night and argue about the intimacy that we don't have.

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The German poet, Rilke, described love as "two solitudes (that)
protect and touch and greet each other". A big part of why we can't
be this way is due to the next issue below, which is ...
All The Eggs In One Basket
We invest way too much in our few close relationships. We expect
our spouse or partner to be all things to us Mother,

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Father, Lover, Friend, Tennis Partner, Parent of Our Children, Only
Confidant, Therapist, Bridge Partner, Babysitter, Provider and ...
Nobody can be all things to one person. In one of our favorite
books on the subject, The Road Less Traveled, Scott Peck says that
we don't truly love each other unless we can live without each
other (Peck, 1978), and we agree.
Control Issues
This is related to our fear of abandonment and, ultimately, to our
fear of death. We are mortal. We cannot prevent our physical death,
and we cannot make someone love us. The power struggles that we
get into with each other are about this need to control the
uncontrollable. In fact, that's what addictions are about. It is very
common for us to act out our addictions much more when we are
alone, or when that spouse or lover of ours is on a four-day
business trip. When they are home with us, we try to control the
situation by controlling them, which only pushes them farther away
from us.