Adult children: the secrets of dysfunctional families

3. 
Initiative versus Guilt
This stage has a lot to do with our ability to start things, make
things happen and stretch beyond our current capabilities. Those of

---

Page 127
us who are "stuck", who can't get out of a rut, who can't make
decisions, have issues with this stage.
Between three and six years of age, we begin to want to be more
like adults. We want to go into the kitchen and cook something the
way Mom and Dad do. Or we want to go into the garage and get
the saw and build something. We want to initiate things. This has
much to do with self-expansion, of going beyond. If you think
about it, anytime we try to initiate something on our own, there is
always the possibility of someone else feeling put out, let down,
disappointed or "hurt". When they let us know about it, we feel
guilty.
Dad gets a bee in his bonnet and decides to tear out the wall in the
kitchen and do some remodeling while Mom is on a business trip.
Mom comes home, doesn't like it and says, "How could you begin
such a major change in my kitchen without first consulting me?"
Dad feels some shame, but he will also feel guilt. He has "done
something wrong", violated a moral principle of some kind.
The task at ages three to six is to begin internalizing principles of
right and wrong, but not to the detriment of our ability to initiate
things.
If my children try to rebuild the engine of my car at this age, I need
to convey to them that this is inappropriate behavior because they
aren't old enough to do it properly, and besides, it's "my" car, not
"theirs". It's how I convey that message that is so important.
If I say, "You really let down Dad. I am surprised that you would
do this. You really hurt me by doing it," my children will indeed
not do it again.

---

But if I use this method of discipline on a regular basis, I will
produce very well-behaved children who won't be able to get
themselves out of a wet paper bag when they are adults. They will
be "nice", but that's about it. They will be filled with guilt and
indecision. They will always focus on who will be affected by their
actions without ever considering their own needs or feelings. They
will become over-focused on not violating all of these rules they
internalize. Big rules, middle-sized rules and pointless tiny rules.
4. 
Industry versus Inferiority
This stage involves developing a sense of competence and
confidence around those skills necessary for survival in our culture.
These skills include the three R's, but go well beyond them.

---

Page 128
Certainly, we need academic skills to get by in this world, but all
too often the range of skills that are reinforced in our schools and at
home is painfully narrow. Not every child will be a whiz at math,
English or physics. Not every child will become another Picasso or
Beethoven. Some children will become excellent mechanics, if
allowed to be. Others will become well-adjusted accountants.
Others, plumbers. These school-age years are critical for a child's
sense of worth. They are also critical for a child's ability to identify
with, and bond with, older people who know how to do things. So
it is a compliment to us, and to our child, if he forms an attachment
to a friend's Dad, who is showing him how to work on cars. It is
okay if our daughter likes her English teacher, and gets excited
about what the teacher is teaching her.
It is not okay if our children have no room to feel good about
themselves during these years. It is not okay to compare one child
to another one in the family. It is not okay to feel jealous or
possessive of our children just because they like a friend's Mom or
Dad. If we feel jealous, we need psychotherapy to work through
the dysfunction that we are experiencing.
It is okay if one child excels at math, another excels at drawing and
another excels at auto mechanics. It is okay if our children feel
good about themselves, even though they haven't got straight As or
a B-average or whatever our criteria for success happens to be. We
know many wealthy successful people who never finished high
school or college. We know many happy successful "non-wealthy"
people, too. Some of them have high school diplomas, some have
college diplomas and some have PhDs.
The basic skills that are learned during this stage are how to work,

---

how to get along with other people, how to be social and political
people, how to get what we need out of life without alienating
everyone around us, and how to feel good about what we do. The
specifics of how we do that are not nearly as important as doing it
somehow. In rigid dysfunctional families, there is only one right
way to do it. In healthy families, there are literally hundreds of
ways to do it.
Identity versus Identity Confusion
As we said earlier, the above four stages bring us to the first adult
stage of our development, which is called Identity versus Identity

---

Page 129