Adult children: the secrets of dysfunctional families

parties, athletics or drugs to keep from feeling that loneliness or
dealing with it in healthy ways? And if you do admit that you feel
lonely, what do you do with that feeling? Do you lash out and turn
it into anger telling your spouse over and over how hard it was
while he or she was away, and how irresponsible it was for them to
go? Do you passively make them feel guilty by moping and
whining and pouting?
If you are emotionally honest with yourself, you will simply let
those feelings rise to the surface. You won't react out of hurt or
anger or desperation because reaction in the feelings domain
usually means we have lost control of ourselves in an unhealthy
way. Those feelings will remain there on the surface and you will
give yourself time to think about them. Is he or she gone too much?
Am I being too dependent on him or her? There is a gap here in my
life. How do I want to fill it? What does that gap say about me?
What does it say about our relationship? Is it healthy or unhealthy?
Hurt
What do we do with our feelings of hurt? Do we put ourselves
down?

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"I shouldn't feel hurt by her. An adult wouldn't hurt; therefore, I
don't hurt. My feelings of hurt must be bad. Therefore, I am bad
(immature, etc.). Therefore, I won't let myself feel hurt now. I'll
pretend I don't."
Or do we convert the hurt into anger? "Okay, Buster! You want to
play hardball? I'll play hardball. No S.O.B. like you is going to hurt
me! Take that! And that! And that!"
Or maybe our way of handling hurt is to be passively manipulative.
With downturned, puppydog eyes, we mope around the house,
sleep a lot, say we don't feel well, and moan incessantly to the
other person about how hurtful they have been.
Either extreme is dysfunctional. Overreaction and underreaction to
our feelings are opposite sides of the same coin, and they both

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produce the same net result denial of our true feelings and an
unsatisfying outcome from our interaction with the other person.
Sadness
Have you ever felt uncomfortable at a funeral, or felt
uncomfortable with people's reactions toward you at a funeral!
Unless you are at the funeral purely for a business reason, the most
probable feeling that you will have is sadness.
Terry Kellogg calls sadness "the healing feeling". To feel sad, we
must also let ourselves feel powerless. Sadness is the normal,
healthy response to loss. The loss may be a parent who has died, a
friend who has moved away or a house that has been burned down.
Sadness feels empty at first but eventually becomes the fuel for
renewed hope and existence. Sadness lets us cry without feeling
ashamed. It lets us take the time to say goodbye. And best of all, it
does not require that we do much of anything to be appropriate for
the situation.
We feel so uncomfortable at funerals because we don't let ourselves
have our sadness.
Wouldn't it feel wonderful if the next: time we experienced a great
loss, our friend or relative would simply walk up to us, hug us and
say, "I feel sad." Not, "I feel sad for you." Just, "I feel sad." That
would be all that we would need. It says that you are with me. It
says that you are human. It says that we are all helpless in the face
of death. It says that we're all in this together. It is affirming,
honest, real and deep. Nothing else really needs to be said.
Afraid

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What about afraid? Been afraid lately? "Not me! I'm a man! Men
don't feel fear!"
In our work with couples, a large portion of the anger we hear
being expressed is actually denied fear
"I'm sick and tired of this women's liberation stuff," he yells. "I'm
just as liberated as the next guy, but she's being irresponsible by
going back to college while the kids are still in school, and quite
frankly, I've had it up to here!" (Which in many relationships,
translates into: "I'm afraid she'll get out into the world and meet
someone else whom she finds more attractive than me.")
Being therapists, we hear a lot of this one, too. "Oh, George, what
the hell are you doing still going to that stupid men's group of
yours? I mean, I'm really getting sick and tired of all this therapy
crap.

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You're gone one night a week for that and one night a week for
work. When are you going to act like a man and take care of things
at home like you're supposed to?'' (Which translates into: "I'm
afraid that you'll get healthy and see my anger for what it really is
... fear.")
Is it scary when you have a fight with your spouse and you have to
leave for work before it's resolved? Is it scary when your lover tells
you that there's something wrong with the relationship? How about
when you can't pay the bills this month? Do you scream at your
spouse and passively ignore the children? Or do you sit down with
your spouse after the children have gone to bed and simply say,
"You know, Sue, I'm a little scared about our money situation, and I
just need to share that with you right now." It sounds awfully corny
on paper, but it sure beats scaring everyone else in the house with a
load of unreal anger.