Adult children: the secrets of dysfunctional families

1. 
Trust versus Mistrust
The first challenge facing us as human beings is to develop a basic
sense of trust in the world. This means that we are left with a
feeling that we can rely on those we need, that the world is
basically a safe place to be and that we can survive. If our basic
needs for food and shelter and affection and touch are met during
early infancy, then we most likely will develop a sense of trust. But
trust means more than just that. It also means that we can trust that
things will work out in the end, even if we don't get what we need
right away.
A two-year-old, for example, does not have to be the tyrant of the
house, demanding and getting everything they want on the spot. If
our two-year-old is told that they will have to wait a few minutes
until dinner is ready, or that they cannot have everything that they
see in a store, it will not erode their basic sense of trust.
In fact, if we go overboard on giving things to our kids, we actually
undermine their sense of trust, because we are setting them up to
live in a world that doesn't exist. Few people in this world, if any,
get everything they want when they want it. And thus, one of the
most important themes of development throughout our entire lives
begins right here, in the first stage. And that theme is: Too much or
too little of what we need is no good.
Things that leave a child with a basic sense of mistrust about the
world and themselves include overt physical or emotional abuse,
neglect or abandonment. These are extremes. The more subtle
forces that operate during this stage are inconsistent care

---

(babysitting or daycare do not have to be inconsistent), tension and
stress in parents that is communicated by inability to be nurturing,
spontaneous or comfortable with our infants. Too much overt
conflict can upset young children, also overprotective parents who
do not allow their young children to explore their world and their
own bodies in normal ways. Infants need to learn that they can
depend on us, that the world will not always give them what they
want and that they can still be "okay" about it. They do not need to
be scared, spoiled, neglected or abused. A basic sense of mistrust
leaves us with severe fear of abandonment issues.
2. 
Autonomy versus Shame, Doubt
The issue to be resolved here is one of separateness. Between one-
and-a-half and three years of age, our children become mobile, they

---

Page 126
learn the power of language for defining their separateness (the
word "no!", for example), and their task is to begin to become
autonomous while still feeling safe and trusting of the world.
Our two-year-olds toddle off to explore things by themselves. They
exert their will. They get into power struggles with us. And
because they are still so vulnerable and dependent upon us, they
need to be able to do this and still know that they can run back to
us for comfort if their independence leads them into things that are
scary or hurtful.
Imagine your two-year-old running into the house in tears, crying
that "a big dog walked through the yard and growled at me!" The
dog represents a threat to our sense of autonomy: "I can't go out
into the world by myself because it's too dangerous," we feel. If a
parent simply affirms us and our feelings by saying, "Boy, I'll bet
that was scary," and makes us feel safe again by giving us a hug
and letting us have our feelings without being judgmental, then
soon we will be ready to go back into the world again.
If, on the other hand, our parents shame us ("Big boys don't cry," "I
told you not to go outside by yourself"), or simply aren't available
enough to us during these times (by not being there enough or by
ignoring us), then we will begin to internalize shame and doubt.
Likewise, we can experience shame and doubt if we are too
restricted in our attempts to be separate individuals. Parents who
mean well but who are overprotective of us, never give us the
chance to separate from them. Also, if our parents are too
permissive, giving us few guidelines on how to behave in the world
outside of our homes, we can wind up feeling shame and doubt.

---

Parents who let their children climb on the furniture, break things a
lot, and generally tyrannize the household produce children who
get shamed a lot when they go to other people's homes or when
they go to school.
Again, the rule of thumb here is one of balance. We need to set
limits and boundaries on our children at this age, but we also need
to allow enough freedom and safety for our children for them to
want to begin separating from us.