Adult children: the secrets of dysfunctional families

Confusion (also called Identity Diffusion) somewhere between the
ages of 18 and 29, depending upon how much formal education we
get, economic factors and family system factors. Erikson and
researchers, who have studied his theories, believe that there are
two key parts to achieving a clear identity: Crisis and commitment.
Erikson felt that it was not possible to be a healthy adult with a
clear sense of self without going through a psychosocial
moratorium, which is just a fancy way to say a period of
questioning and rebellion.
We must question our religious beliefs, the values with which we
were raised, career choices that our parents may have overtly or
covertly made for us, lifestyle preferences and the like. We may
come back to those childhood beliefs after this period of
questioning, but we won't be children when we do and we won't be
doing it "just because someone told us it was the right way to live
or think". Or we may not come back to our childhood beliefs,
choosing other ways to think and act than the ones that were given
to us by our parents.
One fact remains: if we don't go through this crisis period of
rebellion and questioning, we won't get through the Identity Stage.
It is this fact that causes dysfunctional families so many problems
when their children near adulthood.
The commitment part of identity means that we must make clear
choices about our beliefs and lifestyles eventually, and that our
choices be more than just verbal ones. We must act on them.
A person who chooses monogamy but has extra-marital affairs all
the time is not committed to monogamy as a lifestyle. A person

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who claims to be a Christian but who treats his family and
employees like dirt is not living his beliefs he is only talking about
them. This kind of empty rhetoric is a double message anti a
double bind for the members of the family, and it will eventually
backfire.
Children whose parents say one thing but do another eventually
lose all respect for their parents.
Based on the depth of the crisis we have had, and the strength of
our commitment, Erikson has delineated four possible identity
types or outcomes during this stage. (For an extended discussion of
these types, and how they are related to co-dependency, see Friel,
Subby and Friel, 1985.) These four types are:
1. 
Identity Achieved
We have been through an identity crisis with regard to work,

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religion, sexuality, political beliefs and lifestyle. We have also
made clear commitments to our current choices, so that our
feelings, beliefs and actions are congruent. That is, they match. Do
we have to have a clear commitment to all parts of ourselves and
our choices? No, but the fewer we have, the less likely it is that we
are identity achieved.
2. 
Moratorium
We are in the crisis period. We are actively searching. We are
trying on different hats. We are dating different people. We are
trying out different careers or college majors. But there is
something systematic and directed to our search. We have not made
clear commitments yet.
3. 
Foreclosed
Our hunch is that probably close to 50% of us are in this state. If
we are Adult Children who have not broken through our denial yet,
then we are most likely in this state or in the last one, below.
Foreclosure means that we seem to have a clear set of
commitments, but we never really went through a crisis period to
get there.
We go into adulthood wearing the same childhood hats that we've
always had on but the hat is on an adult body. We wear adult suits
and ties and dresses and we say adult words, do adult things and
tell ourselves that we believe adult beliefs but we are not truly
adults because we have not yet grown up.

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Why? Because growing up is scary. It hurts. It is sometimes lonely.
It means saying goodbye to childhood and making peace with
whatever childhood fantasies, as well as demons, we may have
grown up with. We Adult Children have so many demons that
getting out of foreclosure is very hard to do. Actually, denial and
fear are what keep us stuck.
"My husband is not like my dad," we assert. "Dad was a drunk. My
husband is a hardworking, responsible man!" (Adult Child
Translation: "My husband is an unavailable workaholic, but
because he's not a drunk, it must be better.") That's how our denial
works.
Later in the marriage we may say, "My husband's not available to
me emotionally, but what else can I do? He's a good provider. I
have all the things a woman could ever want. And besides, I don't
know how I would ever provide for myself." That's how the fear
works against us.

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Getting out of foreclosure is like standing on the edge of a cliff on
a pitch-black, moonless night, and then jumping off without
knowing whether the cliff is three feet high or 100 feet high. It is
not something we should be doing without a strong support system
in place before hand.
Making this kind of change is also risky because what usually
happens is that we get a lot of flack from those around us.
Translation: We get guilted and shamed. "She's crazy. That's all
there is to it. Any woman would just die to be married to him!"
(and she is dying, emotionally).
"How could you dare to go back to college. What about me and the
kids? Who will be there to do the cooking and the laundry? Who
will be there to make love with me every night?" Translation: Dad
may be sexually addicted, or at the very least, female-dependent
and the children have been spoiled to the point of not knowing how
to run the washer and dryer or cook a meal.
Leaving foreclosure behind brings censure from others simply
because it is a time of turmoil, too. We even see professional
therapists labeling clients as "dysfunctional" or "neurotic" when in
fact, they are simply entering a healthy moratorium stage in their
lives. Translation: They are taking the big risk of becoming adults.
More power to them!