Adult children: the secrets of dysfunctional families

All Of Our Symptoms Are Feeling Diseases.
If you remember nothing else from reading this book, please
remember that. Our symptoms are unhealthy mechanisms that we
use to keep from feeling our feelings. They smother, hide, distort
and mix up our feelings. They turn fear and sadness into rage. They
create depression from anger; fear from loneliness. In many cases,
they cause a unique distortion in which the rich, full range of
normal human emotions is channeled into one or two overpowering
feelings. In this way, loneliness, sadness, fear, shame and rejection
all get thrown into the pot together and get expressed as anger.
The anger is then manifested as bitterness, unhappiness with one's
life or with the people in one's life. It takes the form of constant
criticism, constant dissatisfaction, perfectionism, belligerence,
argumentativeness, combativeness and other types of emotional
abuse.
In this same way, feelings of tenderness, softness, warmth, safety,
closeness and sensuality all get thrown into one pot and get
expressed as lust, which is why the spouses of all kinds of addicts
say that their sex is great sometimes, but that they feel lonely and
empty in the relationship nonetheless. There is nothing wrong per
se with anger or lust.
What we are stating is that when these are the only feelings that

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we feel, then there is something wrong. Human beings feel more
than just these two.
As many physicians already know too well, the toll of this
emotional blunting and distortion is more than just troubled
relationships. A constantly hurried and angry style of life leads to
increased risk of heart disease and heart attack. A stressful, other-
focused lifestyle leads to any number of stress-related disorders
from hypertension and headache to gastric problems, fatigue and
chronic depression. These are all "feelings" problems in one way or
another. And the reason that these problems persist and are so
pervasive is that to admit our real feelings is, for many of us, a
terrifying thing to do.
By the time we have developed some of the more serious
consequences of feelings diseases, we are in such a state of denial
that it is next to impossible to get us to admit that we even have a
problem.
"Things will get better in my marriage when we move away from
our relatives. Then I'll have time to devote to my family."
"I just need this Valium to help me through the holidays. Then I'll
stop using it so often."
"I know my husband needs to go to sexual addiction treatment, but
it's just not the right time to have all that turmoil in our lives.
Things are going okay and he's not going out every night. We'll do
it this summer when we have the time and energy."
"I know my daughter's been binging and purging (bulimia), but
since she's told us about it, she hasn't done it for two weeks. I really

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don't think it will be a problem anymore."
What all of these people are doing is denying their feelings. In
dysfunctional systems, we learn early and we learn well, that to
survive in the system we must pay a "small" price we learn to deny,
ignore or escape our feelings. We learn to shut down that gnawing
little voice inside of us that keeps saying, "You hurt, damn it. It's
time to do something." So we go about our daily business, learning
to "hope" that things will get better, while that little voice (our
feelings) continues to send us messages.
When we ignore it long enough, the messages become manifest in
our own bodies and in the behavior of our spouses and children.
Our feelings become "acted out" in our headaches, stomachaches,
ulcers, fatigue, depression and helplessness. They become "acted
out" by our children in power struggles, compulsive disorders,
shyness, anger and chemical abuse. And persist we must, we tell
ourselves. "If I can

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just hold out a little longer, things will get better."
One of our favorite sayings, which we use in our therapy groups,
is, "Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different
results." So while admitting our true feelings to ourselves and
others is frightening for what might happen, the long term impact
of not admitting them is disastrous.
We are reminded of the couple who vowed never to get "too angry"
with each other because they had both come from angry, combative
families. After 15 years of apparent bliss and marital harmony,
their marriage ended up in our office filled with uncontrollable rage
rage composed of 15 years of normal irritations and resentments
that had been denied and hidden by their well-intentioned vow.
Their daughter was suicidal and their son was flunking out of
school, and they hadn't the foggiest notion of what was going
wrong.
All during the first session they repeatedly reminded us of their
vow and how hard they had worked to keep it all these years. It
was painfully apparent, we should add, that the little voices inside
of them knew better, and were looking for a way to break the vow
without breaking the marriage.
Inability to identify feelings and inability to express them are two of
the key diagnostic features of dysfunctional families or individuals.
"I'm not angry!" he yells, gritting his teeth.
"Oh ... I'm okay ..." she says with a flat, emotionless, depressed
tone of voice.
One of the most common statements in the early stages of therapy

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is, "Why do you keep asking me how I feel? I don't know how I
feel. I just don't know." Later on, when we have begun to actually
identify those feelings, we say, "Yes, I'm very unhappy in this
relationship, but if I say anything about it, she'll be hurt (or go
away, or get angry at me, etc)."
We have a list of perhaps 75 "feelings words" which we sometimes
give to our clients to help them figure out what's really going on
inside of themselves. Actually, that list could really be reduced to
just a few, as is done in many dependency treatment centers. They
are:
lonely
glad
hurt
mad
sad
shame
afraid
guilty

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Look at that list. It's so simple, isn't it? "What's the big deal? I
know when I feel those feelings! What are you talking about? I
have access to all of those feelings!" If you do, then you're in great
shape. Having access to our feelings is critical in not developing a
dysfunctional lifestyle. But be honest with yourself.
Lonely
Do you admit to yourself that you're lonely when your spouse is
out of town for two weeks? Or do you exhaust yourself with