Adult children: the secrets of dysfunctional families

As we said earlier, there are many ways to describe family traits
that lead to unhappy adulthood. We hope that our categories give
you the basic idea. Perhaps the most important thing to keep in
mind is that you have to live in your own body with your own
feelings and with your own family history.
While it is extremely important to share your experience with
others, it is also extremely important to avoid the "one up, one
down" syndrome. It may be true that your childhood was a disaster
when compared with your friend's. But it is also true that just

---

around the corner awaits someone whose life is a disaster when
compared to yours. The paradox of all of this is that we need to
share our lives with other people and we need to define ourselves
as individuals, separate from other people. In the world of family
history and emotional development, all people are not created
equal. On the surface, at least, life is not fair. Take your own
inventory. And let your friends take theirs.

---

Page 91
INTERLUDE

---

Page 93
9 
The Goose
Once upon a time in a far away land called Northern Minnesota,
there was a family of geese who lived on a quiet little pond on the
outskirts of a small town. Mr. Gander and Mrs. Goose and their
three goslings spent a lot of time in the pond, and they enjoyed
their neighbors, Mr. Beaver and Mr. and Mrs. Loon.
On sunny afternoons after the wind had died down, they would
congregate near Mr. Beaver's house and talk about their families
and their plans for the winter. Like all normal Minnesotans, the
weather was always at the top of the list for conversation.
"Hot enough for you, Mrs. Goose?" asked Mr. Loon.
"Land sakes, yes!" replied Mrs. Goose, with a mock sigh of
consternation in her voice.
"Well, I don't know," piped in Mr. Beaver. "I sort of like this
weather."
Mr. Gander listened out of one ear as he gazed out over the pond
and thought about what a wonderful life they had all made for
themselves. His goslings were growing up faster than he had ever
imagined, and he was thinking ahead to the trip south that they'd all
be taking in a few months. He was even thinking beyond that, to
the time when they could return to this pond again after the long,
cold Minnesota winter was over. He loved this place.

---

Page 94
While all this adult conversation was going on, the three goslings
were out in the middle of the pond skimming across the top of the
water, feet paddling fast as they tried to get themselves airborne for
the first time. None of them were to accomplish it today, but they
would soon enough. As they stopped to rest, the Littlest Gosling
spoke to his brother and sister. "You know, I haven't been feeling so
great the past few days. My stomach has been a little queasy, and
my head hurts just a bit."
"Well," his sister replied, "you're probably just anxious about the
big trip south this winter. After all, it is a long way from home."
"Yes," his brother added, "and you've been working awfully hard to
learn how to fly. Why don't you just go over by Mom and Dad and
take a breather."
The Littlest Gosling frowned. "I don't know. It just feels like
something's wrong. I can't quite put my wingtip on it, but
something tells me things aren't right."
"You Silly Goose!" his brother and sister echoed in unison.
The Littlest Gosling began swimming toward the spot on the edge
of the pond where his parents were. Before he reached them, he
veered off to the left into a small cove lined with cattails and water
lilies. He noticed a peculiar odor and spotted two dead fish floating
bellies up on the surface of the water. He wondered if there was
something wrong with his pond; and he wondered if that was why
he was feeling a little sick.
He paddled out of the cove and around to his parents, Mr. Beaver,
and Mr. and Mrs. Loon.

---

"Mom, Dad," he began, "I think there's something wrong with this
pond. I think there's something in it that's making me sick." He
gazed up into their eyes, awaiting that glimmer of pride and
recognition in their expressions that would say they were interested
in his discovery.
Instead, Mrs. Goose snapped, "Oh, you Silly Goose! Whatever
gave you that idea? Land sakes, son, you come up with the silliest
notions sometimes."
Disappointed but still holding out hope, he looked toward his
father. "Yes, son, you do come up with the oddest ideas
sometimes."
"Silly Goose," clucked Mr. Beaver and the Loons in unison.
Well, that was just about all that the Littlest Gosling could bear. His
feelings were hurt, but he wanted to be like a gander, so he simply
held his head up high, turned around slowly, and said, "I suppose
so." And then he swam away.

---

Page 95
That evening his parents, brother and sister all had a good laugh
over the Littlest Gosling's "discovery".
"Why, we've been coming back to this pond every spring for as
long as I can remember," spouted Mr. Gander. "And no one has
ever been sick a day in his life since we've been here," added Mrs.
Goose.
"Alright, alright," shouted the Littlest Gosling, "enough is enough!"
Over the next few days everyone forgot about the incident, and
things pretty much went back to normal.
About two weeks later the Littlest Gosling began to feel sick again,
but he'd learned his lesson the first time, so he didn't even think
about telling anyone in the pond about it.
At first he didn't know quite what to do. He went back to the small
cove and saw some more dead fish and smelled that smell again.
Then he took a tour of the rest of the pond and discovered some of
the same things going on. A few dead fish here and there, a funny
smell and a slight headache and queasy stomach that wouldn't seem
to go away.
By now he was able to fly, and although he was feeling weak, he
decided to break the rule that his parents had made for him and his
brother and sister, and he flew up and over the edge of the pond
and away. After gaining altitude, he noticed a big lake off in the
distance with a large population of geese, ducks and loons, and so
he headed toward it.
After a few minutes, he landed gracefully on the surface of the lake
about 50 yards from a big gaggle of geese who were swimming

---

about, enjoying the late afternoon sun. He was hesitant at first
because his parents had told him not to leave his own pond, and
because these geese were strangers. But they were very nice, and
they invited him to come and join them in their conversation.
Soon after they began to talk, the Littlest Gosling told them what
had been happening to him lately. As he talked, the Eldest Gander
of the gaggle became very serious. The Littlest Gosling noticed
that a frown swept across his face, and then suddenly the Eldest
Gander began honking furiously.
"Where exactly do you live, son?" he asked the Littlest Gosling.
"A few minutes from here, as the goose flies," he answered. "In
that pond behind that abandoned farm." The Eldest Gander honked
even louder now.
"You must fly home and warn your family at once! And everyone
else who lives there, too. That pond is poison! Believe me. We
lived

---

Page 96
there once, too." His face grew sad. "I lost two of my goslings
because of that pond."
The Littlest Gosling did not hesitate for an instant. He took to the
air and flew directly to where his parents were swimming in the
pond.
"Dad! Mom!" he shouted. "I know I'm not supposed to leave the
pond, but I just had to get away. I was feeling so sick. And I was so
curious. Anyway, I talked to some geese in a lake near here, and
the Eldest Gander there said that the water in this pond is poison,
and that he lost two goslings because of it. We need to get out of
here right away!" he said excitedly.
Mr. Gander looked sternly at his son and said, "We told you never
to leave this pond until we are all ready to fly south for the winter.
You have broken our most important rule. We are very
disappointed in you. Now go back to the nest and don't leave there
until we tell you to!"
The Littlest Gosling was heartbroken and terrified. He didn't know
what to do. He loved his family, and he wanted to be a good
gosling, but he didn't want his family to die either. He began to
return to the nest. When he was almost there, he suddenly turned,
looked up into the sky, recalled the words of the Eldest Gander, and
then flew off toward the big lake.
He had decided to live rather than to die but he was so deeply sad
that he cried for the better part of four days. Members of the gaggle
on the big lake would stop by to comfort him, and to tell him that
he had made the right decision, but he still felt a deep pain inside.
On several occasions, he almost got up and flew back to the pond,

---

thinking that to die with his family would be better than to live
with strangers. But each time, something deep inside of him told
him to stay put.
And then something happened. Almost three weeks after he had
left home, he saw a lone goose, or was it a gosling, winging its way
toward the lake. His eyes were riveted on the bird. His heart leaped
when he realized that it was his brother. His brother had started to
feel sick, too. He had got in a huge fight with Mr. Gander but had
finally decided to join the Littlest Gosling. Three days later, his
sister joined them and a week after that, so did Mrs. Goose. Finally
one week later Mr. Gander, sick to his stomach and with a
headache throbbing in his temples, joined the rest of the family on
the big lake.

---

Page 97
It took a lot of courage on their part, but once they were settled into
their new home, Mr. and Mrs. Gander called a meeting of all the
flocks.
As a hush settled over the lake, Mr. Gander put his wing around the
Littlest Gosling and said, "This is my Littlest Gosling. For a while I
thought he was a Bad Little Gosling. I thought he was a Selfish
Little Gosling. I thought he was a Silly Goose. But he wasn't. We
were the Silly Geese. And the Littlest Gosling saved our lives. We
are proud of him."
A tear trickled down the beak of Mrs. Goose. It was a tear of pride
and relief and gratitude. The Littlest Gosling's heart filled with
warmth as every duck, loon, goose and gander on the big lake
began honking their loudest honks and calling their loudest calls to
celebrate his courage, wisdom and strength.
That winter they all flew south together and in the spring they
returned to the big lake. They were pleased now to be a part of all
the flocks safe in the knowledge that their water was pure, their
friends were true and that their goslings would be able to grow up
to be healthy and strong.

---

Page 99