Adult children: the secrets of dysfunctional families

Emotional Neglect
Failure to nurture, care for or love the child 
Failure to provide structure or set limits 
Not listening to, hearing or believing the child 
Expecting the child to provide emotional nurturing to the parents, to
make the parent feel good

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Not being emotionally present due to mental illness, chemical
dependency, depression or compulsivity 
Failure to encourage education or intellectual development
Physical Neglect
Lack of food, clothes, shelter 
Leaving the child alone in age-inappropriate ways 
Leaving a child who is too young in charge of others 
Failure to provide medical care 
Allowing or encouraging the use of drugs, alcohol 
Failure to protect the child from the abuse of others, including spouse
Verbal Abuse
Excessive guilting, blaming, shaming 
Name-calling, put-downs, comparisons 
Teasing, making fun of, laughing at, belittling 
Nagging, haranguing, screaming, verbal assault
Physical Abuse
Slapping, shaking, scratching, squeezing, hitting, beating with boards,
sticks, belts, kitchen utensils, yardsticks, electric cords, shovels, hoses 
Throwing, pushing, shoving, slamming against walls or objects 
Burning, scalding, freezing 
Forcing of food or water, starving 
Having to watch others be physically abused 
Overworking
Sexual Abuse/Neglect
Fondling, touching 
Innuendos, jokes, comments, looking, leering 
Exposing self to, masturbating in front of 
Mutual masturbation 

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Oral sex, anal sex, intercourse 
Penetration with fingers or objects 
Stripping and sexual punishments/enemas

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Pornography-taking pictures or forcing the child to watch 
Forcing children to have sex with each other 
Enforced sexual activity with animals 
Watching others have sex or be abused 
Sexual "games" 
Sexual "torture" burning, etc. 
Not teaching children about sex allowing sexual naivete 
Not talking about puberty, menstruation, nocturnal emissions, etc.
Vicarious Abuse
A special case of abuse, in which the victim is part of a family or
other system in which someone else is abused in some way. This type
of abuse can be just as damaging as actually being the recipient of the
other types of abuse listed above.
Perfectionism
Perfectionism is common and can be one of the most easily denied
and excused flaws in any family. It is also easily misunderstood.
Perfectionism includes having unrealistic expectations for self or
others, and it is conveyed not only by obvious criticism and
belittling, but also by more subtle means, like a well-timed frown, a
downturned glance, a quizzical look coupled with a pregnant
pause, or a smirk disguised as a lack of understanding.
"You were embarrassed at that party?" Dad asks innocently, with
an edge of contempt at your vulnerability in his voice. "What were
you embarrassed for?" he adds. What a trap! He obviously doesn't
approve of your feeling embarrassed, but he also wants to know
why you were embarrassed. No matter what you say now, you're in
trouble and the message is strong and clear no matter what. "We

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don't get embarrassed in our family." You failed. You didn't meet
the expectation.
Or take Bill for another example. When he worked on cars with his
father, he learned a tremendous amount about automobile engines.
By the age of 13 he could tear an engine apart and put it back
together again. Yet at the end of every weekend of working on cars,
he was always left with a knot in his stomach and a feeling of
worthlessness in his heart because of his father's critical perfection-

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ism about keeping the garage "perfect". Instead of telling Bill's
mother, "Boy, Bill sure did a great job on that car today!" which
would have been true, he more often than not would say, "Well,
someday he'll learn how to be a real mechanic, when he learns to
keep the damned garage clean!"
Perfectionism, in our opinion, is an unhappy person's way to hang
onto the illusion that his life is under control. Perfectionism grows
out of unhappiness and is the breeding ground for constant
criticism. And constant criticism is the surest way to leave a child
with a deep sense of worthlessness and shame. Think of some of
the perfectionistic, critical statements that you received from your
parents or teachers or boss, or of the ones that you give to your
own children.
"Why did you spill your milk, Susie? Can't you do anything right?" 
"Do you have to wear that tie?" 
"I wish you could be like your big brother. He always ..." 
''It's fine that you got three A's and a B, but what's this C for?" 
"Why do you want to be an art major? You won't make any money
doing that." 
"What did you do that for?" 
"You don't think of anyone except yourself." 
"That's not the way the dishes are supposed to go in the dishwasher!" 
"Look at you, you're a mess!" 
"Can't you say anything that makes sense?"
The list goes on and on, but we hope the point is made. Constant
criticism and perfectionism affects everyone in the family,
including the one who is doing the criticizing. It produces not only
shame, but eventually distances us from the people who are doing

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the criticizing. It makes us unhappy. It leaves a cloud hanging in
the air over everything we feel and do and say.
People who grow up in critical families will eventually internalize
all of those messages so that when they enter adulthood, they will
unconsciously do the same thing to themselves. A little voice
inside of them will always be saying, "This isn't good enough.
You're not doing it right. There's something wrong with you."
That's right. There's something wrong with you. I spill the milk and
therefore there's something wrong with me? With my very being?