Adult children: the secrets of dysfunctional families

partnership has all of the power. In this family, the notion of
equality

---

Page 87
was a pipedream perpetrated by an authoritarian husband and
father, and a mother who went along with it.
Inability To Play And Have Fun
This is one of the key characteristics of adult children of
dysfunctional families. Many of us who became alcoholic, for
example, are often seen as too "fun-loving and irresponsible", but
the fact is that when we grow up in compulsive or addictive
families, the world is a very serious place to be. We are always on
the edge of burnout. We are always trying to prove our worth by
what we do, rather than accepting simply who we are.
Even Frank had a problem in this area. He "worked hard and
played hard", but the play that he engaged in was highly structured
and competitive. To be able to play means to be able to "let go". To
be able to let go means to be able to trust; to be able to trust that we
are okay even if we make a fool of ourselves now and then. It's
pretty tough to truly play and not risk making a fool of ourselves.
Spontaneous laughter and humor is most difficult for those children
who, like Anita, took on the role of "the little parent" while
growing up. Or who, like Sandy, used so much energy to appear
"respectable" while at school, despite the horrible violence and
chaos that was going on at home. In healthy families we can truly
play and feel safe. We know that if things get out of hand, someone
will get us back on course firmly but gently. In unhealthy families,
play begins in a healthy way, but almost always ends up with
someone getting damaged physically or emotionally. Nobody
knows when to quit. Enough is never enough. Humor is used to
hurt as often as it is used in fun. "Letting go" escalates into chaos.

---

Boundaries and limits are nonexistent. "Let's 'play' football" turns
into ''Let's prove who's better than everyone else." "Let's 'wrestle'"
turns into "Let's hurt someone." "It's okay to flirt," turns into "I
want to have an affair."
Again, as with other issues already discussed, the issue of play and
spontaneity becomes one of extremes in dysfunctional families. It's
either nothing at all, with everyone being deadly serious and
morose, or total chaos and damage. As trite as it may sound,
finding that middle path is the hardest accomplishment for an adult
who grew up in an unhealthy family.

---

Page 88
High Tolerance For Inappropriate Behavior/Pain
This tells you how we become saints and martyrs as children, and
how we then go out into the adult world and try to remain saints
and martyrs. It comes from learning to deny our feelings when we
are little, to protect ourselves from boundary violations and
emotional or physical abuse. It comes from seeing one or both of
our parents repeatedly refuse to take care of their own needs. It
comes from religious or cultural rules that say others must always
come first. It comes from watching self-destructive patterns of
living in our parents who work too much, drink too much, take care
of others too much, eat too much, yell too much, lie too much, jog
too much and even play too much.
Through years and years of putting everyone else first and years of
self-denial and denial of feelings, we come to pride ourselves in
just how much we can put up with before we say "Ouch!"
"Doesn't it bother you that your mother is always so critical of
you?" a healthy friend asks you. "Well, no," you say with
hesitation, ''she's had such a hard life and all. I understand why she
does it." It's fine that you understand why she does it. But is it
healthy for you to subject yourself to such abuse, day in and day
out? What does that do to a person over the years? It's quite simple,
really. It teaches us to discount ourselves and to abuse ourselves.
In many families, it's not only tolerance for inappropriate behavior
that we learn. We also learn to put up with a lot of physical pain. A
friend of ours had chronic ear infections when he was a little child,
but his family was in such chaos that he rarely got to a doctor to
have it treated. Dad was a particularly "macho" guy, and most of

---

the time he would say, "Oh, come on now, Billy. It isn't that bad.
Tough it out, boy." More was more sympathetic, but she was under
such stress all the time that she simply couldn't get around to
getting it taken care of properly. She spent most of her time
fighting with Dad about "intimacy", as she called it.
So Billy learned to put up with a lot of pain: and slowly came to
take pride in that "strength" he had. A lot of people were impressed
with his pain tolerance as he gew into physical adulthood, as a
matter of fact. It wasn't until Bill died of cancer at the age of 36
that anyone thought it was unhealthy.

---

Page 89
You see, Bill had had painful symptoms for 18 months before he
decided to consult with his doctor, and by then it was way too late.
He died three months later.
As adults who have learned to tolerate lots of inappropriate
behavior from others, we find ourselves replaying our childhoods
in our current relationships. We get in abusive or manipulative
relationships where our partners lie to us repeatedly, or hurt us
physically, or criticize us unmercifully, and we just stay with that
person. We make lots of excuses for their behavior. We pride
ourselves in how tolerant and patient we are. We begin to believe
that we are better than everyone else, because the only people we
let into our lives are abusive people.
The popular saying, "Life's A Bitch And Then You Die," becomes
our credo. We pray a lot, but we don't do anything to get out of the
destructive relationship. We try to reform the other person, always
hoping that today will be the day that she or he will change. But
change rarely happens by itself.
What would someone with a full cup do when faced with an
abusive or manipulative relationship? Our nine-year-old son said it
best. We took him and our two daughters to see the film version of
"The Color Purple" when it was first released. As we discussed the
film in the kitchen that evening, David stood silent for a moment,
and then thoughtfully asked, "Why didn't she just leave?" That, of
course, is what someone with a full cup would do. They'd simply
leave.
Enmeshment
Enmeshment is a term from family systems theory, and is actually a

---

problem in boundary definition. It is such a commonly used term
nowadays that we also felt it deserved discussion on its own.
Put simply, enmeshment is a tangled mess. When people are
enmeshed with each other, it is nearly impossible for them to see
where their identities end and someone else's identity begins. My
problems become your problems and your problems become my
problems. I blame you for my unhappiness and you blame me for
yours. I can't make a move without you knowing it and/or
commenting on it, and vice versa.
In an enmeshed family, everyone is "into" everyone else's business.
You can't go to the bathroom in an enmeshed family without
someone taking note of it. Triangulation runs rampant in

---

Page 90
enmeshed families. Everyone is running around like chickens with
their heads cut off, going from one person to the next, "spreading
the news", trying to fix everyone else's problems, telling them how
to live their lives, and so on.
No one has an identity of their own. There is no separateness.
There is no clarity of boundaries. There is a lot of emotional incest.
No one takes responsibility for their own lives. No one is allowed
to live in peace. No one is allowed to make their own mistakes and
learn from them with dignity. Everyone is so tangled up with
everyone else that when one family member gets depressed,
eventually every family member gets depressed; or everyone
becomes manic to compensate for it. When one person goes on the
upswing, everyone else goes on the upswing; or they get moody
and depressed.
It's as if we're all in a life raft together at the mercy of constantly
changing seas. Up and down, back and forth we go, one big happy
family, caught in an endless web of emotions and problems.
Note