(upset) Why don't you talk to me?
LARRY:
(Stunned and silent.)
SANDRA:
Do you love me?
LARRY:
Of course I love you. I married you.
SANDRA:
How could you love me? We never talk any more. How can you just sit
there and say nothing. Don't you care?
At this point, Larry would get up and go for a walk. When he came back he would act as though
nothing had happened. Sandra would also act as though everything was fine, but inside she
would withdraw her love and warmth. On the surface she would try to be loving, but on the
inside her resentment increased. From time to time it would boil up and she would begin
another one-sided interrogation of her husband's feelings. After twenty years of gathering
evidence that he did not love her, she was no longer willing to be deprived of intimacy.
Learning to Support Each Other Without Having to Change
At the seminar Sandra said, "I have spent twenty years trying to get Larry to talk. I wanted him
to open up and be vulnerable. I didn't realize that what I was missing was a man who would
support me in being open and vulnerable. That is what I really needed. I have shared more
intimate feelings with my husband this weekend than in twenty years. I feel so loved. This is
what I have been missing. I thought he had to change. Now I know nothing is wrong with him
or me. We just didn't know how to support each other."
Sandra had always complained that Larry didn't talk. She had convinced herself that his silence
made intimacy impossible. At the seminar she learned to share her feelings without expecting
or demanding Larry to reciprocate. Instead of rejecting his silence she learned to appreciate it. It
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