Then, after some time has passed, come back and talk again but in a loving and respectful way.
Time-outs allow us to cool off, heal our wounds, and center ourselves before trying to
communicate again.
THE FOUR F’S FOR AVOIDING HURT
There are basically four stances that individuals take to avoid getting hurt in arguments. They
are the four f's: fight, flight, fake, and fold. Each of these stances offers a short-term gain, but in
the long run they are all counterproductive. Let's explore each of these positions.
1. Fight: This stance definitely comes from Mars. When a conversation becomes unloving and
unsupportive some individuals instinctively begin to fight. They immediately move into an
offensive stance. Their motto is "the best defense is a strong offense." They strike out by
blaming, judging, criticizing, and making their partner look wrong. They tend to start yelling
and express lots of anger. Their inner motive is to intimidate their partner into loving and
supporting them. When their partner backs down, they assume they have won, but in truth they
have lost.
Intimidation always weakens trust in a relationship. To muscle your way into getting what you
want by making others look wrong is a sure way to fall in a relationship. When couples fight
they gradually lose their ability to be open and vulnerable. Women close up to protect
themselves and men shut down and stop caring as much. Gradually they lose whatever
intimacy they had in the beginning.
2. Flight: This stance also come from Mars. To avoid confrontation Martians may retire into
their caves and never come out. This is like a cold war. They refuse to talk and nothing gets
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