of the way they are being approached.
Resolving an argument requires extending or stretching our point-of view to include and
integrate another point of view. To make this stretch we need to feel appreciated and respected.
If our partner's attitude is unloving, our self-esteem can actually be wounded by taking on their
point of view.
The more intimate we are with someone, the more difficult it is objectively to hear their point
of view without reacting to their negative feelings. To protect ourselves from feeling worthy of
their disrespect or disapproval automatic defences come up to resist their point of view. Even if
we agree with their point of view, we may stubbornly persist in arguing with them.
WHY ARGUMENTS HURT
It is not what we say that hurts but bow we say it. Quite commonly when a man feels
challenged, his attention becomes focused on being right and he forgets to be loving as well.
Automatically his ability to communicate in a caring, respectful, and reassuring tone decreases.
He is aware neither of how uncaring he sounds nor of how hurtful this is to his partner. At such
times, a simple disagreement may sound like an attack to a woman; a request turns into an
order. Naturally a woman feels resistant to this unloving approach, even when she would be
otherwise receptive to the content of what he was saying.
A man unknowingly hurts his partner by speaking in an uncaring manner and then goes on to
explain why she should not be upset. He mistakenly assumes she is resisting the content of his
point of view, when really his unloving delivery is what upsets her. Because he does not
understand her reaction, he focuses more on explaining the merit of what he is saying instead
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