without exploring her ideas on the subject. In addition she was upset that I was not respecting
her right to be upset. Eventually I became so upset that she apologized to me for
misunderstanding and mistrusting me and we cooled down.
Later on, after we had made up, she posed this question. She said, "Many times when we argue,
it seems that I get upset about something, and then you get upset that I am upset, and then I
have to apologize for upsetting you. Somehow I think something is missing. Sometimes I
would like you to tell me you are sorry for upsetting me."
Immediately I saw the logic of her point of view. Expecting an apology from her did seem
rather unfair, especially when I upset her first. This new insight transformed our relationship.
As I shared this experience in my seminars I discovered that thousands of women could
immediately identify with my wife's experience. It was another common male/female pattern.
Let's review the basic pattern.
1. A woman expresses ber upset feelings about "XYZ"
2. A man explains why she shouldn't be upset about "XYZ."
3. She feels invalidated and becomes more upset. (She is now more upset about being
invalidated than about "XYW.")
4. He feels her disapproval and becomes upset. He blames her for upsetting him and expects an
apology before making up.
5. She apologizes and wonders what happened, or she becomes more upset and the argument
escalates into a battle.
With a clearer awareness of the anatomy of an argument, I was able to solve this problem in a
fairer way. Remembering that women are from Venus, I practiced not blaming her for being
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