upset. Instead I would seek to understand how I had upset her and show her that I cared. Even
if she was misunderstanding me, if she felt hurt by me I needed to let her know that I cared and
was sorry.
When she would become upset I learned first to listen, then genuinely to try to understand
what she was upset about, and then to say, "I'm sorry that I upset you when I said -." The result
was immediate. We argued much less.
Sometimes, however, apologizing is very difficult. At those times I take a deep breath and say
nothing. Inside I try to imagine how she feels and discover the reasons from her point of view.
Then I say, "I'm sorry you feel so upset." Although this is not an apology it does say "I care,"
and that seems to help a lot.
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Men rarely say "I'm sorry" because on Mars it means you have done something wrong and you
are apologizing. Women, however, say "I'm sorry" as a way to say "I care about what you are
feeling".
It doesn't mean they are apologizing for doing something wrong. The men reading this who
rarely say "I am sorry" can create wonders by learning to use this aspect of the Venusian
language. The easiest way to derail an argument is to say, "I'm sorry."
Most arguments escalate when a man begins to invalidate a woman's feelings and she responds
to him disapprovingly. Being a man, I've had to learn to practice validating. My wife practiced
expressing her feelings more directly without disapproving of me. The result was fewer fights
and more love and trust. Without having this new awareness we probably would still be having
the same arguments.
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