When a man hears a question like "How could you be so late?" or "Why didn't you call?" he
does not hear her feelings but instead hears her disapproval. He feels her intrusive desire to
help him be more responsible. He feels attacked and becomes defensive. She has no idea how
painful her disapproval is to him.
Just as women need validation, men need approval. The more a man loves a woman the more
he needs her approval. It is always there in the beginning of a relationship. Either she gives
him the message that she approves of him or he feels confident that he can win her approval. In
either case the approval is present.
Even if a woman has been wounded by other men or her father she will still give approval in
the beginning of the relationship. She may feel "He is a special man, not like others I have
known."
A woman withdrawing that approval is particularly painful to a man. Women are generally
oblivious of how they pull away their approval. And when they do pull it away, they feel very
justified in doing so. A reason for this insensitivity is that women really are unaware of how
significant approval is for men.
A woman can, however, learn to disagree with a man's behavior and still approve of who he is.
For a man to feel loved he needs her to approve of who he is, even if she disagrees with his
behavior. Generally when a woman disagrees with a man's behavior and she wants to change
him, she will disapprove of him. Certainly there may be times when she is more approving and
less approving of him, but to be disapproving is very painful and hurts him.
Most men are too ashamed to admit how much they need approval. They may go to great
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