To avoid pain it is important to recognize how men unknowingly invalidate and how women
unknowingly send messages of disapproval .
How Men Unknowingly Start Arguments
The most common way men start arguments is by invalidating a woman's feelings or point of
view. Men don't realize how much they invalidate.
For example, a man may make light of a woman's negative feelings. He might say "Ah, don't
worry about it." To another man this phrase would seem friendly. But to a female intimate
partner it is insensitive and hurts.
In another example, a man might try to resolve a woman's upset by saying "It's not such a big
deal." Then he offers some practical solution to the problem, expecting her to be relieved and
happy. He doesn't understand that she feels invalidated and unsupported. She cannot
appreciate his solution until he validates her need to be upset.
A very common example is when a man has done something to upset a woman. His instinct is
to make her feel better by explaining why she shouldn't be upset. He confidently explains that
he has a Perfectly good, logical, and rational reason for what he did. He has no idea that this
attitude makes her feel as though she has no right to be upset. When he explains himself, the
only message she right hear is that he doesn't care about her feelings.
For her to hear his good reasons, she first needs him to hear her good reasons for being upset.
He needs to put his explanations on hold and listen with understanding. When he simply starts
to care about her feelings she will start to feel supported.
This change in approach takes practice but can be achieved. Generally, when a woman shares
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