than he had for twelve years and could not take it any more. She blamed Jim for being
lethargic, selfish, controlling, and unromantic. She said she had nothing left to give and was
ready to leave. He convinced her to come to therapy, but she was doubtful. In a six-month
period they were able to move through the three steps for healing a relationship. Today they
are happily married with three children'.
Step 1: Motivation
I explained to Jim that his wife was experiencing twelve years of accumulated resentment. If he
wanted to save this marriage, he would have to do a lot of listening for her to be motivated to
work on their marriage. For the first six sessions together, I encouraged Susan to share her
feelings and helped Jim patiently to understand her negative feelings. This was the hardest
part of their healing process. As he began to really hear her pain and unfulfilled needs, he
became increasingly motivated and confident that he could make the changes necessary to have
a loving relationship.
Before Susan could be motivated to work on their relationship, she needed to be heard and felt
that Jim validated her feelings: this was the first step. After Susan felt understood, they were
able to proceed to the next step.
Step 2: Responsibility
36
The second step was taking responsibility. Jim needed to take responsibility for not supporting
his wife, while Susan needed to take responsibility for not setting boundaries. Jim apologized
for the ways he had hurt her. Susan realized that just as he had stepped over her boundaries by
treating her in disrespectful ways (such as yelling, grumbling, resisting requests, and
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