spend more time apart.
When a man gets too close and doesn't pull away, common symptoms are increased moodiness,
irritability, passiveness, and defensiveness. Jim had not learned how to pull away. He felt
guilty spending time alone. He thought he was supposed to share everything with his wife.
Lisa also thought they were supposed to do everything together. In counseling I asked Lisa why
she had spent so much time with Jim.
She said, "I was afraid he would get upset if I did anything fun without him. One time I went
shopping and he got really upset with me."
Jim said, "I remember that day. But I wasn't upset with you. I was upset about losing some
money in a business deal. I actually remember that day because I remember noticing how good
I felt having the whole house to myself. I didn't dare tell you that because I thought it would
hurt your feelings."
Lisa said, "I thought you didn't want me to go out without you. You seemed so distant."
Becoming More Independent
With this new awareness, Lisa got the permission she needed not to worry so much about Jim.
Jim pulling away actually helped her become more autonomous and independent. She started
taking better care of herself. As she started doing the things she wanted to do and get more
support from her girlfriends she was much happier,
She released her resentment toward Jim. She realized that she had been expecting too much
from him. Having beard about the rubber band she realized how she was contributing to their
problem. She realized that he needed more time to be alone. Her loving sacrifices were not only
preventing him from pulling away and then springing back but her dependent attitude was
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