John Gray – Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus Scanned by nova scanner: Canoscan D1250 U2f software: Omnipage Pro 9 Date: 28 August 2002 Proofed by

 
When a man does not feel loved just the way he is, he will either consciously or unconsciously 
repeat the behavior that is not being accepted. He feels an inner compulsion to repeat the 
behavior until he feels loved and accepted. 
 
For a man to improve himself he needs to feel loved in an accepting way. Otherwise he defends 
himself and stays the same. He needs to feel accepted just the way he is, and then he, on his 
own, will look for ways to improve. 
 
Men Don't Want to Be Improved 
 
Just as men want to explain why women shouldn't be upset, women want to explain why men 
shouldn't behave the way they do. Just as men mistakenly want to "fix" women, women 
mistakenly try to "improve" men. 
 
Men see the world through Martian eyes. Their motto is "don't fix it, if it isn't broken." When a 
woman attempts to change a man, he receives the message that she thinks he is broken. This 
hurts a man and makes him very defensive. He doesn't feel loved and accepted. 
 
A man needs to be accepted regardless of his imperfections. To accept a person's imperfections 
is not easy, especially when we see how he could become better. It does, however, become 
easier when we understand that the best way to help him grow is to let go of trying to change 
him in any way. 
 

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The following chart lists ways a woman can support a man in growing and changing by giving 
up trying to change him in any way: 
 
HOW TO GIVE UP TRYING TO CHANGE A MAN 
What She Needs To Remember 
What She Can Do 
1. Remember: don't ask him too many questions 
when he is upset or he will feel you are trying to 
change him. 
1. Ignore that he is upset unless he wants to talk to 
you about it. Show some initial concern, but not too 
much, as an invitation to talk. 
2. Remember: give up trying to improve him in 
any way. He needs your love, not rejection, to 
grow. 
2. Trust him to grow on his own. Honestly share 
feelings but without the demand that he change. 
3. Remember: when you offer unsolicited advice 
he may feel mistrusted, controlled, or rejected. 
3. Practice patience and trust that he will learn on his 
own what he needs to learn. Wait until he asks for 
your advice. 
4. Remember: when a man becomes stubborn and 
resists change he is not feeling loved; he is afraid 
to admit his mistakes for fear of not being loved. 
4. Practice showing him that he doesn't have to be 
perfect to deserve your love. Practice forgiveness. 
(See chapter 12) 
5. Remember: if you make sacrifices hoping he 
will do the same for you then he will feel 
pressured to change. 
5. Practice doing things for your self and not 
depending on him to make you happy. 
6. Remember: you can share negative feelings 
without trying to change him. When he feels 
accepted it is easier for him to listen. 
6. When sharing feelings, let him know that you are 
not trying to tell him what to do but that you want 
him to take your feelings into consideration. 
7. Remember: if you give him directions and make 
decisions for him he will feel corrected and 
controlled. 
7. Relax 
and 
surrender. Practice accepting 
imperfection. Make his feelings more important than 
perfection and don't lecture or correct him.