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English The Muslim Marriage Guide
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www.al-islamforall@org 14 spouse, unwilling to let them do the least little thing on their own. This can be a terrible mistake, for no matter how much you may love that other person, you cannot change him or her into you. There will be all sorts of things that your partner would like to do, which he or she may not feel they can do once they get married. This is a great pity, and brings loss into the relationship rather than gain. Try to organise your life together so that you do have some space that is your own, and some activities which are your own too. This could become of vital importance if the husband is one of those Muslims who starts spending more and more time away on that most innocent of pleasures-his time at the mosque. Two things are important-firstly, that the wife can accept cheerfully that he does want to go, and that it is good for him to do so; and secondly that the husband does not make his trips out to the mosque an excuse to neglect his wife and family. The teaching of the Blessed Prophet was quite clear on this score-a man who neglected his wife was not the 'best of Muslims' and was not scoring 'good points' for himself by his long hours away from her and his family even if he was busily saying extra voluntary prayers. Such prayers can be said at home. It is real neglect if he is still behaving like a single man, and is just socialising with his male friends! Once again, a really abandoned wife might find consolation in the realisation that she will be earning merit for coping with this distressing situation. He, of course, will be building up sins of omission for which he will one day be called to account. Try not to nag. This only gives the nagged partner an extra excuse to stay away- to avoid the nagging! The Prophet Suleiman (P.B.U.H) once said 'a nagging wife is like water endlessly dripping.' Women are often more emotional than men, and more inclined to give vent to their feelings when they are upset about something, and they may also feel that this is the only weapon they have. But this kind of emotional pressure only alienates husbands, it does not solve the problem. It is simply a wife's duty as a Muslimah to point out both sides of the situation, and leave her partner to draw his own conclusions, and take the responsibility for his own action, or lack of it. Think, and be compassionate, before your criticise. Before a wife wonders where her romantic suitor has vanished to, now that her husband takes her for granted, she should try to understand that he may be stressed and working hard in today's demanding workplace to be a good provider, and struggling with his new responsibilities. Likewise, before a husband wonders ` what has happened to the glamorous young lady he married, who has 'changed, now that she has got her man,' notice whether she is working hard to cook and clean, and gets tired and does not have as much time to spend on looking attractive as before. Empathy and patient understanding are virtues that no marriage can flourish without. This business of patience really leads us on to the next important quality in a marriage-trust. If you do not fully trust your partner, then your marriage is already failing. Worse, if you happen to know for certain that they will let you down, or do something you will not like, then they are deliberately attacking the foundations of your relationship. Life-partners should have a faithfulness towards each other that no-one can challenge-whether another woman or man, or a member of the family, or a person at work, or at the mosque. In the world outside people will say and do all sorts of things for all sorts of motives; often they try to upset a happy marriage for no other reason than it is happy-this being a form of destructive jealousy. If you know your partner fully, and know their character, then you should be able to trust implicitly that they will not behave in a manner that would let you down, and that if they are accused of having done this, then the accusation is false. Even, if the worst came to the worst, and the accusation was not false, and on this occasion your spouse had let you down, if you trust your partner you will know that he or The Muslim Marriage Guide: Ruqaiyyah Waris Maqsood |
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