Shepherding a Child's Heart

A Life of Communication
Communication not only disciplines, it also disciples. It shepherds
your children in the ways of God. Like the teaching of Deuteronomy
6, this full-orbed communication occurs while lying down, waking,
rising, walking, and sitting. Parents are often too busy to talk unless
something is wrong. A regular habit of talking together prepares the
way for talking in strained situations. You will never have the hearts
of your children if you talk with them only when something has gone
wrong.
Shepherding the Heart
I have used the phrase “shepherding the heart” to embody the
process of guiding our children. It means helping them understand
themselves, God’s works, the ways of God, how sin works in the
human heart, and how the gospel comes to them at the most profound

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levels of human need. Shepherding the hearts of children also
involves helping them understand their motivations, goals, wants,
wishes, and desires. It exposes the true nature of reality and
encourages faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. You undertake the
shepherding process through the kind of rich, multifaceted
communication that I have sketched here. Later chapters will add
color and texture to what has already been sketched briefly in earlier
chapters.
Counting the Cost
Honest, thorough, truly biblical communication is expensive.
Insightful and penetrating conversations take time. Children require
both time and flexibility. Children do not pour their hearts out or open
themselves up on a demand schedule. A wise parent talks when the
kids are in the mood. Every so often they will ask a question, make a
comment, reveal some little aspect of their heart. In those times,
when their conscience is stirred, you need to talk. This may require
dropping everything else to seize a critical moment.
You must become a good listener. You will miss precious
opportunities when you only half-listen to your children. The best
way you can train your children to be active listeners is by actively
listening to them.
Some people think listening is what you do between opportunities
to say something. During listening times they don’t listen at all. They
are deciding what to say. Don’t be such a parent. The Proverbs remind
you that the fool does not delight in understanding, but in airing his
own opinion (Proverbs 18:2).
It is certainly hard to know when to be quiet and listen, but no one
said parenting would be easy. Work at it. Stop sometimes and think
about what you have heard. Think, too, about what you have not
heard. Stopping and listening provides time to pray silently, to
refocus and be creative in your conversation.

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Good communication is expensive in other areas. The stamina and
spiritual energy that searching conversation requires often seems
overwhelming. Parents sometimes miss valuable opportunities
because they feel too tired to follow through.
We began to experience this physical dimension very clearly when
our children became teens. We had been in the habit of putting little
ones to bed in the early evening. This gave us time for conversation.
But with teens came later nights. I am not sure why, but many times
the greatest opportunities for communication came late at night. The
wise parent talks when the kids are ready to talk!
Proper communication requires mental stamina. You must keep
your thoughts focused. You must avoid the temptations to chase
unimportant matters. Questions that have not been answered must be
posed in new and fresh ways.
You must bring integrity to your interaction with your children.
You model the dynamics of the Christian life for your children. You
must let them see sonship with the Father in you. You should show
them repentance. Acknowledge your joys and fears and how you find
comfort in God. Live a shared life of repentance and thankfulness.
Acknowledge your own sin and weakness. Admit when you are
wrong. Be prepared to seek forgiveness for sinning against your
children. The right to make searching and honest appraisal of your
children lies in willingness to do the same for yourself.
Recently, a father of three children recounted a situation in which
he had sinned against his son. He had spoken cruelly and struck his
son in an abusive way. He seemed very broken over his sin. When I
asked what his son said when he sought forgiveness, he acknowledged
that he had not sought his son’s forgiveness. This dad will never have
open communication with his son until he is willing to humble
himself and acknowledge his own sin. If he won’t do that, the attempt
to talk about the things of God is a sham.

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