Shepherding a Child's Heart

What If Nothing Works?
There are two ways to look at this problem. First, you need to
assess whether there are some holes or inconsistencies in what you
are doing. Secondly, you need to be prepared to be obedient to God
whether or not it seems to bear fruit immediately. It is my experience
that most claims that biblical childrearing doesn’t work can be
understood in one of two ways. Either there is a failure to be
consistent in discipline and nuture, or there is some basic lack of
integrity in the parent’s relationship with God, his child, or both.
What If It Is Too Late?
Perhaps you are feeling, “I’m learning all these things, but my
children are no longer five years old or younger.” There is no doubt
that it is easier to do the job of parenting right than to correct
problems. God is powerful, however, and we are never in a situation
in which there is no obedient response. I have seen families recover
lost ground through patient, honest obedience to God’s Word.

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This is what you must do:
1. Sit down with your children and explain your new insights. Tell
them what you believe you have done wrong in raising them. (Focus
on your deficiencies, not theirs.) Help them see how they would have
been helped if you had taught them to submit to authority when they
were younger.
2. Seek their forgiveness for your failures as a parent.
3. Give your children clear, biblical instruction about the
importance of being a person under authority. Help them understand
that God has established a chain of command in his world. Show them
how living under God’s authority is a great blessing. Understanding
one’s place is like knowing what steps are appropriate in a square
dance. The dance is the most enjoyable for all if each dancer knows
his place. Always begin any changes you make in your family life
with instruction.
4. Give them specific direction about what changes you think are
needed in their behavior, attitudes, and so forth. Discuss these things.
Help them see how being more submissive to authority will help
things to go well with them.
5. Determine how you will respond to disobedience in the future.
Be sure that they understand and are comfortable with how you will
respond.
6. No new approaches can be successfully undertaken for the sole
purpose of changing your children. They will respond to your
attempts to be consistently biblical in all of life. They will resist
anything that looks to them like manipulation.
7. Whatever you do will require patience. It is hard for a family to
change its direction. What is ahead of you is a matter of spiritual
struggle against the forces of evil. There is more to it than applying
some principles. Pray; seek God’s help. Wait on God. Study the
Scriptures with your children. Try to take them along with you on
your spiritual pilgrimage. Share with them what you’re learning and

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why changes in your family life are important.
Your focus must be on what it means for you to honor God in your
family life, not how to get your kids in line. Getting your kids in line
is a by-product of honoring God.
Sue and Neal came to Christ when their daughters were five and
nine. Their lives had been filled with chaos—living in the world
without standards or truth. Sue spent most of her lucid hours on a
psychiatrist’s couch. Neal worked too many hours, taking frequent
comfort in alcohol and drugs. Their daughters grew up without
direction—living in a world without walls or any fixed points of
reference.
Sue and Neal came to Christ in a large evangelical church where
there was no clear biblical teaching about children. They began
reading books written by Christian men who accepted many
psychological ideas that are not Scriptural. While they wanted to help
their girls, things only got worse.
In God’s providence, they began to learn some of the principles in
this book. They were taught about the heart as the source of behavior
and about shaping influences. They started shepherding their girls.
They confessed their failure to raise the girls properly. They talked
about what God’s standards were. They agreed on ways in which their
correction and discipline should take new focus. They prayed with
their girls. They started having family worship that was oriented
toward knowing God, not just reading the Bible together. They
showed the love of Christ in their family life.
By God’s grace, in the several years that have transpired, their
daughters have changed. The girls have begun to understand life in
terms of knowing God. They have grown in love for their parents.
They have been rescued! It has not been an easy road for Neal and
Sue. It is far easier to put in the foundation before you build the
house. But, thank God, we are never painted into a corner from which
there is no path of obedience.

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Application Questions for Chapter 15
1. What Scriptural principles should guide the “when” of using
the rod of correction?
2. What elements should be present in the “how” of using the
rod of correction?
3. What problem within your children requires the use of the
rod of correction?
4. Which of the “most frequently asked questions” were yours?
5. How can the rod provide valuable opportunities to help your
children see their need of Christ’s work?
6. What would you say to someone who said that spanking is an
outmoded concept that robs children of their dignity?
7. Which is easier for you, spanking or talking? How can you
avoid imbalance in this matter?

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