The 50th Law (with 50 Cent)

Understand: Creating this feeling of validation is the golden key
that will unlock people’s defenses. And we cannot survive and thrive in
this highly competitive world without possessing such a power.
We continually find ourselves in situations in which we need to
move people from their resistant positions. We need their assistance,
or we need the ability to alter their ugly behavior. If we flail about,
improvising in the moment, trying to plead, cajole, and even make
people feel guilty, we are more than likely only making them more
defensive. If we somehow succeed in getting what we want through
these methods, their support is thin, with an undercurrent of
resentment. We have taken from them—time, money, ideas—and they
will close themselves off to further influence. And if we go through long
stretches of time continually butting up against people’s resistance and
getting nowhere, we can face a very dangerous dynamic in life—
mounting frustration at the apparent indifference of people. This
subtly infects our attitude. When we find ourselves in situations
needing to influence people, they sense our neediness and insecurity.
We try too hard to please. We seem ever so slightly desperate, defeated
before starting. This can turn into a negative self-fulfilling dynamic
that will keep us marginalized without ever being aware of the source
of the problem.
Before it is too late we must turn this dynamic around, as Johnson
did at the age of forty. We must discover the power that we can possess
by giving people the validation they crave and lowering their defenses.
And the key to making this happen in a realistic and strategic manner
is to fully understand a fundamental law of human nature.

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This law is as follows: People have a perception about themselves
that we shall call their self-opinion. This self-opinion can be accurate
or not—it doesn’t matter. What matters is how people perceive their
own character and worthiness. And there are three qualities to people’s
self-opinion that are nearly universal: “I am autonomous, acting of my
own free will”; “I am intelligent in my own way”; and “I am basically
good and decent.”
When it comes to the first universal (I am acting of my own free
will), if we join a group, or believe something, or buy a product, it is
because we choose to do so. The truth might be that we were
manipulated or succumbed to peer pressure, but we will tell ourselves
something else. If we ever feel consciously coerced—as in having to
obey a boss—we either tell ourselves we have chosen to obey or we
deeply resent being forced and manipulated. In the latter case, we
might smile and obey, but we will find a way to secretly rebel. In other
words, we feel the need to continually express and assert our free will.
With the second universal (I am intelligent), we may realize we are
not on the level of an Einstein, but in our field, in our own way, we are
intelligent. A plumber revels in his superior knowledge of the inner
workings of a house and in his manual skills, which are a form of
intelligence. He also thinks his political opinions come from solid
common sense, another sign of intelligence, as he sees it. People are
generally never comfortable with the thought that they could be
gullible and less than intelligent. If they have to admit they are not
smart in the conventional way, they will at least think they are cleverer
than others.
With the third universal (I am a good person), we like to see
ourselves as supporting the right causes. We treat people well. We are
a team player. If we happen to be the boss and we like to instill
discipline in the troops, we call it “tough love.” We are acting for the
good of others.
In addition to these universals, we find that people have more
personalized self-opinions that serve to regulate their particular
insecurities. For instance, “I’m a free spirit, one of a kind” or “I’m very
self-reliant and don’t need anybody’s help” or “I am good-looking and I
can depend on that” or “I am a rebel and disdain all authority.”
Implied in these various self-opinions is a feeling of superiority in this
one area: “I am a rebel and you are less so.” Many of these types of self-

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opinions are related to developmental issues in early childhood. For
instance, the rebel type had a father figure who disappointed him; or
perhaps he suffered from bullying and cannot bear any feeling of
inferiority. He must despise all authority. The self-reliant type may
have experienced a very distant mother, be haunted by feelings of
abandonment, and have crafted a self-image of rugged independence.
Our self-opinion is primary: it determines so much of our thinking
and our values. We will not entertain ideas that clash with our self-
opinion. Let us say we see ourselves as particularly tough and self-
reliant. We will then gravitate toward ideas and philosophies that are
realistic, hard-core, and unforgiving of others’ weaknesses. If in this
scenario we also happen to be Christian, we will then reinterpret
Christian religious doctrines to match our tough self-image, finding
elements within Christianity that emphasize self-reliance, tough love,
and the need to destroy our enemies. In general, we will choose to
belong to groups that validate our feeling of being noble and smart. We
might think we have particular ideas or values that stand on their own,
but in fact they are dependent on our self-opinion.
When you try to convince people of something, one of three things
will happen. First, you might inadvertently challenge a particular
aspect of their self-opinion. In a discussion that might turn into an
argument, you make them feel stupid or brainwashed or less than
good. Even if you are subtle in your arguments, the implication is that
you know better. If this happens, you make people even more
defensive and resistant. Walls go up that will never come down.
Second, you can leave their self-opinion in a neutral position—
neither challenged nor confirmed. This often happens if you try to be
reasonable and calm in your approach, avoiding any emotional
extremes. In this scenario people remain resistant and dubious, but
you have at least not tightened them up, and you have some room to
maneuver them with your rational arguments.
Third, you can actively confirm their self-opinion. In this case you
are fulfilling one of people’s greatest emotional needs. We can imagine
that we are independent, intelligent, decent, and self-reliant, but only
other people can truly confirm this for us. And in a harsh and
competitive world in which we are all prone to continual self-doubt, we
almost never get this validation that we crave. When you give it to
people, you will have the magical effect that occurred when you

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yourself were drunk, or at a rally, or in love. You will make people
relax. No longer consumed by insecurities, they can direct their
attention outward. Their minds open, making them susceptible to
suggestion and insinuation. If they decide to help you, they feel like
they are doing this of their own free will.
Your task is simple: instill in people a feeling of inner security.
Mirror their values; show that you like and respect them. Make them
feel you appreciate their wisdom and experience. Generate an
atmosphere of mutual warmth. Get them to laugh along with you,
instilling a feeling of rapport. All of this works best if the feelings are
not completely faked. By exercising your empathy, by getting inside
their perspective (see chapter 2 for more on this), you are more likely
to genuinely feel at least a part of such emotions. Practice this often
enough and confirming people’s self-opinion will become your default
position—you will have a loosening-up effect on almost everyone you
encounter.
One caveat: most people have a relatively high self-opinion, but
some people have a low opinion of themselves. They tell themselves, “I
am not worthy of good things” or “I am not such a nice person” or “I
have too many problems and issues.” Because they generally expect
bad things to happen to them, they often feel relieved and justified
when bad things do happen. In this way their low self-opinion serves to
calm their insecurities about ever getting success in life. If your targets
have a low self-opinion, the same rule applies. If you insist that they
can easily better their lives by following your advice, this will clash
with their belief that the world is against them and that they really do
not deserve such good things. They will discount your ideas and resist
you. Instead you must work from within their self-opinion,
empathizing with the injustices in their life and the difficulties they
have faced. Now, with them feeling validated and mirrored, you have
some latitude to make gentle corrections and even apply some reverse
psychology (see the section below).
Finally, the greatest obstacle you will face in developing these
powers comes from a cultural prejudice against the very idea of
influence: “Why can’t we all just be honest and transparent with one
another, and simply ask for what we want? Why can’t we just let people
be who they are and not try to change them? Being strategic is ugly and
manipulative.” First, when people tell you such things, you should be
on guard. We humans cannot stand feelings of powerlessness. We need

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to have influence or we become miserable. The honestymongers are no
different, but because they need to believe in their angelic qualities,
they cannot square this self-opinion with the need to have influence.
And so they often become passive-aggressive, pouting and making
others feel guilty as a means of getting what they want. Never take
people who say such things at face value.
Second, we humans cannot avoid trying to influence others.
Everything we say or do is examined and interpreted by others for
clues as to our intentions. We are silent? Perhaps it is because we are
upset and want to make this clear. Or we are genuinely listening as a
way of trying to impress with our politeness. No matter what we do,
people will read into it attempts at influence, and they are not wrong in
doing so. As social animals we cannot avoid constantly playing the
game, whether we are conscious of this or not.
Most people do not want to expend the effort that goes into thinking
about others and figuring out a strategic entry past their defenses.
They are lazy. They want to simply be themselves, speak honestly, or
do nothing, and justify this to themselves as stemming from some
great moral choice.
Since the game is unavoidable, better to be skillful at it than in
denial or merely improvising in the moment. In the end, being good at
influence is actually more socially beneficial than the moral stance. By
having this power, we can influence people who have dangerous or
antisocial ideas. Becoming proficient at persuasion requires that we
immerse ourselves in the perspective of others, exercising our
empathy. We might have to abide by the cultural prejudice and nod
our heads in agreement about the need for complete honesty, but
inwardly we must realize that this is nonsense and practice what is
necessary for our own well-being.