The Art Of Saying no: How To Stand Your Ground, Reclaim Your Time And Energy, And Refuse To Be Taken For Granted
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The art of saying no
WE DEVELOP THE PEOPLE-
PLEASING HABIT S aying yes is an ingrained habit for many of us. It’s something we learn to do over a long period of time. The longer we do it, the more entrenched the habit becomes until it’s instinctive. We do it on autopilot, agreeing to things before we even realize we’re doing so. In a sense, we’ve wired our brains to respond in that way whenever people ask things of us. Think about the last time you agreed to do something you weren’t even remotely interested in. Did you find yourself saying yes before you had even considered how doing so might impact you? That’s a learned behavior. It can stem from a number of factors. For example, you might have learned as a child that saying yes resulted in approval from your parents or other authority figures. Or you may have found that saying yes made others happy, and that, in turn, gave you a sense of self-worth. Or you might have discovered that saying yes to your peers made them more inclined to include you. Such “lessons” have a powerful effect on us. They train us to accommodate others as doing so affords us short-term benefits (approval, sense of self-worth, and social inclusion). The more “lessons” we observe, the greater our desire to repeat the outcome. We become addicts looking for our next “fix.” The good news is that, like any habit, the tendency to instinctively say yes can be unlearned. It can be undone. We can rewire our brains so we’re more contemplative about the requests being made of us. The key, as always, is to take small steps. For example, in the beginning, just focus on not saying yes immediately. Give yourself a few moments to consider requests and how they’ll impact your day. Interrupting your instinctive response will help to short circuit the habit. Next, examine the reasons you’re inclined to say yes. Are those reasons valid? For example, do you desire the requestor’s approval? Do you need that person to validate your sense of worth? Is it important to you that you’re included in his or her circle of friends? You may find that this learned behavior (i.e. automatically saying yes) is prompted by motivations that are trivial to you. It’s not easy to reverse a habit you’ve developed over years of repeated application. But it can be done. The first - and arguably most important - step is to recognize the habit exists. |
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