The Art Of Saying no: How To Stand Your Ground, Reclaim Your Time And Energy, And Refuse To Be Taken For Granted
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The art of saying no
STRATEGY #5: TAKE OWNERSHIP
OF YOUR DECISION H ave you ever noticed how easy it is to say “I can’t” when someone asks for your time, money, or labor? For some of us, the response is practically automatic. It’s a reflex. We say “I can’t” before we’re able to consider what it means. In most cases, we actually can help. It’s technically possible for us to do so. We can surrender our time. We can give money. And notwithstanding physical ailments, we can offer our labor. But when we turn down requests, we choose to say “I can’t.” This response allows us to avoid taking ownership of our decisions. We get into the habit of turning people down without expressing our decisions as a matter of personal choice. In my opinion, this has a harmful effect over the long run. If we avoid taking ownership of our decisions to decline requests, we never feel truly empowered with a sense of personal agency. Every time we say “I can’t,” we train our minds to avoid taking responsibility. “I can’t” implies that we’re at the mercy of external constraints. Over time, this gives us the false sense that we’re not in control. We begin to believe that external factors undermine our authority - that our personal decisions aren’t truly our own to make. That’s the opposite of empowering. It’s disempowering. And it can have a significant negative psychological effect on our behaviors and thoughts. The good news is that there’s a simple, if not easy, solution. When you must turn down a request or invitation, express your decision as a personal choice. Instead of telling the requestor, “I can’t,” tell him or her: I don’t want to.” Give a reason if you suspect doing so will defuse a potentially combative response. (Make sure your reason is sincere and not simply an excuse.) The important thing is that you own your decision. Responding in this manner to requests you’re unable to accommodate is an affirmation of your will and personal authority. You’re not blaming external constraints for your refusal to help. You’re making conscious choices regarding how you spend your time, energy, and other limited resources. The more you use phrasing that expresses your will, the more confident you’ll become in turning down requests that conflict with your needs and convictions. And the more respect you’ll inspire in those who seek your help. |
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