The Happiest Baby on the Block and The Happiest Toddler on the Block 2-Book Bundle pdfdrive com

“When people talk, listen completely. Most people never
listen.”
—Ernest Hemingway
Main Points:
• The secret to communicating with anybody who’s upset is the
Fast-Food Rule (FFR).
• FFR Part 1: Whoever is most upset talks first; the other person
listens, repeats back what they’re told, and only then do they
take their turn to talk.
• FFR Part 2: What you say to an upset person is not as important
as the way you say it (this is what I call finding the “sweet
spot”).
• The best parents use the FFR instead of words that hurt,
compare, distract, and rush to squelch feelings.

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You smile, then your baby smiles, then you smile back. She babbles, you
babble, then she gurgles with glee. This little “dance” is your child’s first
conversation. The simple back-and-forth of patiently listening … then
responding is the basic turn-taking pattern of all human communication.
This little dance is simple and automatic when your toddler is happy.
But when he enters meltdown mode it’s easy for you to get sucked in, lose
your cool, and start to melt down, too (especially when you are the
target of the outburst). This dynamic can lead to an explosive escalation.
But don’t worry! This is exactly when the Fast-Food Rule comes to the
rescue.
The What? The Fast-Food Rule!
This silly-sounding rule is the golden rule for communicating with
anyone who’s upset. I promise: You’ll be amazed how it works on
everyone—from toddlers to teens to temperamental spouses.
In a nutshell, the Fast-Food Rule says: Whenever you talk to someone
who’s upset, always repeat his feelings first … before offering your own
comments or advice.
Why Is This Called the Fast-Food Rule?
Fast-food joints may have their problems, but they do one thing
incredibly well: communicating with customers.
Imagine you’re hungry. You pull up to the restaurant order window
and a voice crackles over the speaker, “Can I help you?” You answer, “A
burger and fries, please.”
Now … tell me what do you think the order-taker will say back to
you?

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• “What’s the matter, too lazy to cook tonight?”
• “You should get two burgers, you look hungry.”
• “That’s five dollars, please drive forward.”
The answer is none of the above!
The very first thing she will do is repeat your order to you. She does
this because she needs to make sure she understands exactly what you
want (“Okay, that’s a burger and fries. Anything to drink?”) before she
takes her turn: “That’s five dollars. Please drive up front.”
I mentioned at the start of this chapter that normal conversations have
a simple back-and-forth pattern. When we talk, we take turns (“I like
chocolate!” “Me too! I love chocolate!”). But this pattern changes
dramatically when one person is upset.
The rule for talking to someone who’s upset is: Whoever is most upset
talks first (and gets an extralong turn to vent). The other person listens
patiently and repeats back his feelings with care and interest (“Wow!
What she did really made you angry!”). Only then does the friend get a
turn to say what she thinks about the situation.

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At fast-food joints, the person who is hungriest gets to speak first. And
with parents and children (or in any dialogue between two people), the
person who is most upset—the “hungriest for attention”—goes first. This
is Part 1 of the Fast-Food Rule.
Is it really so important to take turns like this? Absolutely! Here’s why:
Agitated people are terrible listeners. Big emotions (like anger and fear)
turn our open minds into closed doors. But once we express our feelings
—and they’re acknowledged—our minds swing back open and we can
again pay attention to the good suggestions of the people we love.
And There Is One More Critical Point
When you repeat what a person has shared with you about her feelings,
what you say (your words) is not as important as the way you say it (your
tone of voice, facial expression, and gestures). This is Part 2 of the Fast-
Food Rule.
Many Moms and Dads say that the Fast-Food Rule is one of the most
important parenting (and life) skills they’ve ever learned. So now let’s
see how to use both parts of the FFR (the words you say and the way you
say them) in some reallife situations.
FFR Part 1: Restate the Upset Person’s Feelings
Imagine that a woman is frantic because she lost a folder of documents
she needs for work. Weeping, she calls her mother: “Mom, I feel so
stupid! I left some very important papers on my seat at a restaurant! My
boss is going to kill me!”
Immediately the mother interrupts. “It’s okay, sweetheart. I’m sure
he’ll understand. Hey, listen to what happened to me yesterday. This will
make you laugh….”
In frustration, the woman cries, “You just don’t get it, Mom!”
This mother was in such a rush to soothe her daughter’s pain she

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instantly tried to distract her and never even acknowledged her upset.
That’s like the fast-food order-taker jumping right to “That’s five dollars,
drive up front” before repeating your order so that you can confirm it.
Of course, we never want our loved ones to be sad. But failing to
acknowledge their feelings only makes them feel unheard, alone, and
even more upset!
What if the mother had handled it differently? What if she had first
patiently listened to and repeated her daughter’s feelings before she
offered a distraction?