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When Time-Out Is Over It’s Over!
When the time’s up, let your
child go free. I like to ask, “Are you ready to come out now?” Even if he
says “No!” I open the door, as long as he is not still tantrumming.
(“Okay, you can stay if you want, but the time-out is over.”) If he is still
carrying on, acknowledge that he is very angry and that it sounds like he
needs some extra time-out to find his calm.
Once the fit is over and your child is free to go, don’t talk about the
time-out for thirty minutes or so. Just join him in some play or give a bit
of attention. It’s time to let go of your anger and allow your heart to
forgive. If he’s still mad, connect with respect, but then let him be on his
own. Many kids need to sulk a little after being punished.
“You hate time-out … you say no time-out, Mommy. I
know you hate it, but Sammy needed a little help to find
his calm again. Do you want a hug? No? Okay, you’re
still mad, mad, mad! I love you, sweetheart, and I’ll check
on you in a couple of minutes.”
Awhile after a time-out, express your regret for having had to do it.
“Mommy knows you don’t like time-out. You were mad. I’m sorry. Next
time, I hope we can play instead of you needing a time-out.” Later in the
day, talk to him about what happened and gossip to his toys about the
incident (and the lesson you want him to learn). At bedtime, reinforce
the lesson by telling a fairy tale about a little bunny who misbehaved
and what happened to him.
Time-Outs Don’t Work Without Time-Ins
If time-out doesn’t seem to be working, maybe it’s because you
haven’t been giving him enough time-ins. Toddlers hate unfairness

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even more than they hate punishment. Ignore your child too much
and he’ll feel justified in defying you. On the other hand, “feed his
meter” with plenty of little time-ins and playing the boob and he’ll
naturally be more cooperative. So if your child is getting too many
time-outs, he probably needs more time-ins! ( Just five minutes of
time-in each hour can prevent many problems.)
What If My Child Won’t Stay in His Room When I
Do Time-Out?
Standing guard over the “naughty” chair or playing tug-of-war over the
doorknob to keep your child in his room defeats the whole purpose of
time-out—which is to ignore the child, isolating him and depriving him
of your attention for a couple of minutes.
That’s why, for tots under two, I recommend playpens for time-outs.
And, over two, I recommend using their bedroom and blocking the door
with a baby gate. However, if your child can climb over the gate, you’ll
need to close the door and either use a childproof doorknob cover to
prevent those little hands from opening the door, or you have to lock it,
using a simple hook-and-eye-type latch affixed to the outside of the
door.
What? Did He Say to Lock My Child in His Room?
Isn’t That Cruel?
The reason for locking the time-out place is to enable you to maintain
control, which is hard to do if your child can escape. However, before
using a locked room for a time-out, twice a day for the next few days
you should let your child see that you can lock the door so that he can
no longer open it with a simple turn of the knob. Let him try to open the
door from the outside and point out the locked latch. (“See, honey, the

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door stays closed.”) Explain that it’s to help him stay inside for time-
outs. (“Remember when Mommy held the door closed and you were
really mad? You said, ‘No, no, no!’ Now Mr. Lock will keep the door
closed even when you try to open it. Mommy will open it when Mr.
Dinger rings.”)
Isolating your little one in his room for two minutes is neither mean
nor unfair. All the love you give him the other 23 hours and 58 minutes
of the day more than makes up for this short penalty! Trust me, your
child can handle two minutes alone in his bedroom—his favorite room
of the house. (Of course, never use a closet, bathroom, basement, or
nonchildproofed space for time-out.)