13 Things Mentally Strong People Don\'t Do: Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success pdfdrive com

IDENTIFY YOUR FEARS

---

In 2005, Heather Von St. James was diagnosed with mesothelioma when her
daughter was just three months old. As a little girl, she had worn her father’s
construction jacket for fun. His jacket had most likely been exposed to asbestos,
which has been linked to mesothelioma and could explain why at only thirty-six,
Heather had what is known as an “old man’s disease.”
Doctors initially gave Heather fifteen months to live. With radiation and
chemotherapy, they said she might live up to five years. She was, however, a
prime candidate for lung removal, and although the surgery was risky, it was her
best chance for survival.
Heather chose to undergo the extensive surgery that would remove the
affected lung and the lining around her lung as well as replace half of her
diaphragm and the lining of her heart with surgical Gore-Tex. She remained
hospitalized for a month following the operation. When she was discharged from
the hospital, she went to stay with her parents for a few months so they could
help her care for her baby while her husband returned to work. When Heather
returned home three months later, she underwent radiation and chemotherapy. It
took her almost a year to begin feeling better again, but to this day, she remains
cancer free. Although she becomes out of breath more easily with physical
exertion now that she only has one lung, she considers it a relatively small price
to pay.
To commemorate the anniversary of the day she got her lung removed,
Heather now celebrates, “Lung Leavin’ Day” on February 2 each year. Each year
on “Lung Leavin’ Day,” Heather acknowledges her fears about the things she
doesn’t have control over—like the possibility of the cancer returning. She uses
a marker to write those fears on a plate and then she symbolically lets go of
those fears by smashing the plate into a fire. Within just a few short years, the
celebration has grown. Today, more than eighty friends and family attend.
Guests join in by writing down their own fears and smashing their plates into the
fire. They’ve even turned it into a fund-raiser for mesothelioma research.
“Cancer leaves you feeling so out of control,” Heather acknowledges.
Although she is currently cancer free, she admits that she continues to be fearful
that her daughter may have to grow up without a mother. But she chooses to face
her fears head-on by writing down what scares her most, and recognizing that
those things are not within her control. She then chooses to focus her efforts on

---

what she does have control over—like living every day to the fullest.
Heather now works as a patient advocate for mesothelioma. She speaks with
newly diagnosed patients and helps them deal with their fears about cancer.
She’s also a keynote speaker who delivers her message of hope and healing.
When you notice yourself trying to control something that you can’t, ask
yourself, What am I so afraid of? Do you worry someone else is going to make a
bad choice? Do you worry that something is going to go terribly wrong? Are you
terrified that you won’t be successful? Acknowledging your fears, and
developing an understanding of them, will help you begin to recognize what is
within your control and what isn’t.
FOCUS ON WHAT YOU CAN CONTROL
Once you’ve identified your fears, identify what you can control, bearing in
mind that sometimes the only thing you can control is your behavior and
attitude.
You can’t control what happens to your luggage once you hand it to an airline
employee at the airport. But what you can control is what you pack in your
carry-on bag. If you have your most important belongings and an extra change of
clothing with you, it won’t feel like such an emergency if your luggage doesn’t
arrive at your destination on time. By focusing on what you can control, it is
much easier to let go of worrying about what you can’t.
When you notice you have a lot of anxiety about a situation, do what you can
to manage your reaction and influence the outcome. But recognize that you can’t
control other people, and you can’t ever have complete control over the end
result.
INFLUENCE PEOPLE WITHOUT TRYING TO CONTROL THEM
Jenny was twenty years old when she chose to drop out of college. After
spending a couple of years working toward a degree in education, she decided
she didn’t really want to be a math teacher. To her mother’s horror, she wanted to
pursue art instead.
Every day Jenny’s mother called to tell Jenny she was ruining her life. She

---

made it clear she would never support Jenny’s choice to drop out of school. She
even threatened to cut off contact with Jenny if she didn’t choose to take “the
right path.”
Jenny quickly got sick of her mother’s daily criticisms over her choices. She
told her mother several times that she was not going back to college and her
insults and threats wouldn’t change her mind. But her mother persisted because
she worried about what type of future Jenny would have as an artist.
Eventually, Jenny stopped answering the phone. She stopped going to her
mother’s house for dinner, too. After all, it wasn’t enjoyable to hear her mother
lecture her about how college dropouts and aspiring artists don’t ever make it in
the real world. Even though Jenny was a grown adult, her mother wanted to
control what she did. It was painful for her to sit on the sidelines and watch
Jenny make choices she felt were irresponsible. She imagined her daughter
would always be broke, unhappy, and struggling just to survive. Jenny’s mother
mistakenly believed she could control what Jenny did with her life.
Unfortunately, her attempts to control Jenny ruined their relationship without
motivating Jenny to do anything different.
It’s hard to sit back and watch other people engage in behavior we don’t
approve of, especially if that behavior is something we view as self-destructive.
But making demands, nagging, and begging won’t yield the results you want.
Here are strategies to influence others without trying to force them to change:
• Listen first, speak second. Other people are often less defensive when they
feel like you’ve taken the time to hear what they have to say.
• Share your opinion and concerns, but only share it once. Repeating your
unease over and over again won’t make your words any more effective. In
fact, it can backfire.
• Change your behavior. If a wife doesn’t want her husband to drink, emptying
his beer cans down the drain isn’t going to motivate him to stop drinking. But
she can choose to spend time with him when he’s sober and not be around
him when he’s drinking. If he enjoys spending time with her, he may choose
to remain sober more often.

---

• Point out the positive. If someone is making a genuine effort to create
change, whether it’s to stop smoking or start exercising, offer some genuine
praise. Just don’t go overboard or say something like, “See, I told you that
you’d feel better if you quit eating all that junk food.” Backhanded
compliments or an “I told you so” don’t motivate people to change.