13 Things Mentally Strong People Don\'t Do: Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success pdfdrive com

LOCUS OF CONTROL
Deciding what is within your control and what isn’t depends largely upon your
belief system. The psychology field refers to this as your locus of control. People
with an external locus of control believe that their lives depend highly on fate,
luck, or destiny. They’re more likely to believe “Whatever’s meant to be will
be.”
People with an internal locus of control believe they have complete control
over their future. They take full responsibility for their successes and failures in
life. They believe they have the ability to control everything from their financial
future to their health.
Your locus of control will determine how you view your circumstances.
Imagine a person who attends a job interview. He possesses the qualifications,
education, and experience the company is looking for. But a few days after the
interview, he receives a call telling him he didn’t get the job. If he has an
external locus of control he’ll think, They probably had some overqualified
people apply for the position. It wasn’t the right job for me anyway. If he has an
internal locus of control, he’s more likely to think, I must not have done a good
job impressing them. I knew I should have redone my résumé. I’ve also got to
sharpen my interview skills.
Several factors influence your locus of control. Your childhood experiences
certainly play a role. If you grew up in a family where hard work was valued,
you may lean more toward an internal locus of control, because you’ll believe
that hard work can pay off. If however, you grew up with parents who drilled
into you things such as, “Your vote doesn’t matter in this world,” or “No matter
what you do, the world will always keep you down,” you may have developed
an external locus of control.
Your experiences throughout life can also influence your locus of control. If

---

you achieve success when you try hard, you’ll see that you have a lot of control
over the outcome. But if you feel like no matter what you do, things just don’t
turn out right, you may begin to feel like you have less control.
An internal locus of control has often been idealized as the “best” way to be.
Ideas like “You can do anything if you just put your mind to it” have been valued
in many cultures. In fact, people with a high sense of control often make great
CEOs because they believe in their ability to make a difference. Doctors like
having patients with a strong internal locus of control because they do
everything possible to treat and prevent illness. But there are also potential
downsides to believing you can control everything.
THE PROBLEM WITH WASTING ENERGY
ON THINGS YOU CAN’T CONTROL
James wasted a lot of time, energy, and money on trying to change his custody
situation even though his repeated court appearances clearly weren’t influencing
the judge’s decision. Although he initially thought that exerting more effort into
controlling the situation would reduce his stress, over the long term, his stress
increased each time he failed at his attempts to gain more control. His attempts
to gain control also negatively impacted his relationship with his daughter.
Instead of enjoying their time together and focusing on nurturing their
relationship, he grilled her with questions to learn more about what was going on
at her mother’s house. There are several problems associated with trying to
control everything:
• Trying to maintain complete control leads to increased anxiety. Efforts to
manage your anxiety by trying to control everything in your environment
will backfire. The more unsuccessful your attempts to control the situation
are, the more anxious you’ll become. It can lead to feelings of inadequacy as
you see that you aren’t able to fully control the outcome.
• Attempting to control everything wastes time and energy. Worrying about
things outside of your control wastes mental energy. Wishing circumstances

---

were different, trying to convince people they have to do everything your
way, and attempting to prevent anything bad from ever happening is
exhausting. It takes energy away from actively problem solving and the
issues you do have control over.
• Being a control freak damages relationships. Telling people what they should
do or how to do things right isn’t likely to attract many friends. In fact, many
who have control issues struggle to get close to people because they don’t
trust others with any type of responsibility.
• You’ll judge others harshly. If you credit all your success in life to your
abilities, you’ll criticize people who haven’t achieved the same. In fact,
people with a high internal locus of control tend to suffer from loneliness
because they feel irritable that other people aren’t keeping up with their
standards.
• You’ll unnecessarily blame yourself for everything. You can’t prevent bad
things from happening all the time. But, if you think everything is within
your control, you’ll believe you’re directly responsible every time life
doesn’t go according to your plan.
DEVELOP A BALANCED SENSE OF
CONTROL
James couldn’t move forward until he accepted that he didn’t have complete
control over the custody situation. Once he was able to recognize this, he could
focus on the things he did have control over—like improving his relationship
with his daughter. He also wanted to focus on establishing at least a civil
relationship with his ex-wife, but to do that, he needed to continue reminding
himself that he couldn’t control what went on in her home. Clearly, if he
recognized any signs that his daughter was being seriously harmed, he could act,
but eating ice cream and staying up late didn’t rise to the level of danger that
would make a judge give him custody.

---

Those who strike the right balance of control recognize how their behaviors
can affect their chances of success, but they also identify how external factors,
such as being in the right place at the right time, can play a role. Researchers
found that these people have a bi-locus of control, as opposed to a complete
internal or external locus of control. To achieve this balance in your own life, be
willing to examine your beliefs about what you truly can control and what you
can’t. Take notice of times when you’ve devoted too much energy to people and
circumstances that you just couldn’t change. Remind yourself that there’s a lot
you can’t control:
• You can host a good party, but you can’t control whether people have fun.
• You can give your child tools to be successful, but you can’t make your child
be a good student.
• You can do your best at your job, but you can’t force your boss to recognize
your work.
• You can sell a great product, but you can’t dictate who buys it.
• You may be the smartest person in the room, but you can’t control whether
people choose to follow your advice.
• You can nag, beg, and make threats, but you can’t force your spouse to
behave differently.
• You can have the most positive attitude in the world, but it can’t make a
terminal diagnosis disappear.
• You can control how much you take care of yourself, but you can’t always
prevent illness.
• You can control what you’re doing, but you can’t control your competitor.