A new Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated

So is my child “taking responsibility for his actions” when 
I’m using Plan B? 
Yes. If your child is participating with you in Plan B dis-
cussions in an effort to solve the problems that cause him to 
behave maladaptively . . . if he’s taking your concerns into
account . . . if he’s collaborating on solutions that are mu-
tually acceptable . . . if he’s exploding less . . . then he’s
“taking responsibility.” 
So Plan B isn’t giving my child the message that I ap-
prove of his explosive behavior, right? 
Plan A is not the only way to let your child know you 
disapprove of his behavior—he knows you disapprove 
when you put your concern on the table by doing Plan B 
(he probably knew you disapproved anyway). Don’t forget 
the definition of limit setting: making sure your concerns 
are addressed. Since your concerns are being addressed 
with both Plan A and Plan B, you’re setting limits in Plan 
B just as much as you’re setting limits in Plan A—but in a 

---

146 
The Explosive Child 
very different way and with a completely different out-
come. 
What about the real world? What if my child has a Plan A 
boss someday? 
A Plan A boss is a problem to be solved. How does your 
child learn problem-solving skills? Plan B. As discussed else-
where, which skill is more important for life in the real 
world: the blind adherence to authority taught with Plan A 
or learning how to work things out with people, as taught 
with Plan B? Your humble author picks Door Number Two. 
For example, a speed limit is an expectation, and there 
are Plan A reasons for not speeding and Plan B reasons for 
not speeding. The Plan A reason for not speeding is that you 
might get caught and have to pay a fine. The Plan B reasons 
for not speeding? You don’t want to die. You don’t want to 
kill someone else. You don’t want your children to grow up 
without you. If the only reason you’re not speeding is that 
you might get caught and have to pay a fine, then there’s a 
pretty good chance you’ll be speeding if there’s some assur-
ance you won’t get caught (Exhibit A: the popularity of 
radar detectors). In which case you (and the rest of us) are 
still completely dependent on others (the police) to keep 
you in line. But if you’re not speeding because you don’t 
want to die, or you don’t want to kill someone else, or you 
don’t want your children to grow up without you, then it’s 

---

Learning Curves 
147 
your thinking that keeps you from speeding, thinking about 
the likely outcomes of, and who else is likely to be affected 
by, your behavior. This type of thinking is taught with Plan 
B. A child raised with Plan A is still completely dependent 
on adults (or other authority figures) to tell him what to do 
and make sure he does it.