A new Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated

So what should I do if my child actually does explode? 
If your child is exploding, it’s a pretty sure bet you’re 
doing Plan A. Stop! If you’re lucky, your child is, at that mo-
ment, still capable of Plan B. If not, head for the Plan C 
hills. If you end up using Plan C, does that mean your child 
will learn that he need only to explode to get his way? Not 
if you do Proactive Plan B at your next opportunity to solve 
the problem that caused him to explode in the first place. If 
you have to endure an explosion, don’t let it go to waste. 
Explosions provide very important information about path-
ways or triggers you may have missed. But that’s the only 
productive thing about explosions: They give you the infor-
mation you need to prevent another explosion over the 
same issue. 
I don’t have time to do Plan B. It takes too long. 
You don’t have time not to do Plan B! Explosions always 
take longer than Plan B. Unsolved problems always take 
more time than solved problems. Doing something that 
isn’t working always takes more time than doing something 
that is working. And if you’re doing a lot of Proactive Plan 
B—solving problems with durable solutions—then the 
amount of time you’re spending doing Plan B should de-
crease as problems are solved. 

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152 
The Explosive Child 
I’m not that quick on my feet. I can’t always decide 
what Plan to use on the spur of the moment. 
All the more reason for you to be solving problems 
proactively rather than emergently. It’s only with Emer-
gency Plan B that you have to be real quick on your feet. If 
you find yourself in an emergent situation and you can’t de-
cide what Plan to use, your default option is Plan B. 
By the way, some children will tolerate the uncer-
tainty of a delayed Plan decision for a few minutes while 
their parents sort through the three options. In other 
words, it’s not always critical that a decision be made im-
mediately. If you think your child can handle a brief de-
lay, you can say something like, “I need to think about 
whether I have any concerns about that. Can you give me 
a minute?” Other parents feel the need to delay a Plan 
decision because they’d prefer not to have such a dia-
logue in the car, supermarket, or shopping mall (places 
where their capacity to deal with their child’s worst—if 
it happens—may be compromised). 
A mother came in for a session one night hoarse from all the 
screaming she’d been doing at her daughter on the drive to 
the therapist’s office. 
“What were you screaming about?” the therapist 
asked. 

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Learning Curves 
153 
“Alycia was ver y upset that we’re going to have to 
change our plans for her birthday,” she replied. 
“That must have been very upsetting to her. But why all 
the screaming?” the therapist asked. 
“Because it was foggy out, and I’m not the best at driving 
at night to begin with, and I’ve got a frustrated daughter sob-
bing in the backseat telling me I don’t love her,” she replied. 
“What did you do?” the therapist asked 
“I screamed at her,” said the mother. “And now I’m sitting 
here really mad at myself for doing it. I guess I get a little 
worked up when she gets worked up.” 
“What was your goal when she started getting upset?” 
the therapist asked. 
“I have no idea,” replied the mother. “I just wanted to get 
past the problem, be done with it.” 
“That’s an interesting goal,” the therapist said. “Because 
you have a daughter who’s not very good at just getting past 
problems and being done with them.” 
“That’s for sure,” the mother agreed. “So what should 
my goal be?” 
“I think one important goal is to think about whether the 
ideal time and place to have a discussion that’s going to be 
frustrating to Alycia is in the car at night when it’s foggy. In 
other words, whether it’s at all likely a productive discussion 
could take place under those conditions. If you decide that 
scenario probably wouldn’t set the stage for the discussion 
you need to have with her, you could tr y to delay the discus-

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154 
The Explosive Child 
sion until the circumstances are more ideal. Do you think 
Alycia would have been able to delay the discussion?” 
“She still would have cried in the backseat,” the mother 
said. 
“Well, we can’t keep her from feeling what she legiti-
mately feels about her birthday plans being changed. But 
we can give more thought to whether delaying the discus-
sion has the potential to lead to a more productive out-
come.”