A new Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated

Clark: I could hold your hand. 
Parent: You could hold my hand. I think that idea 
could work very well. But sometimes you get mad 
when I want to hold your hand in the parking lot. 
Clark: That’s ’cuz you’re screaming at me. 
Parent: I’m screaming at you because you’re— 
uhm—-you know what? If you and I agree that 
you’re going to hold my hand in the parking lot 
from now on, then it won’t matter why I was 
screaming at you. 

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Learning Curves 
149 
Clark: What if I forget to hold your hand? 
Parent: I’ll try to remind you before we get there. 
Clark: What if you forget not to scream at me? 
Parent: I’m going to try very hard not to. If I slip, can 
you remind me? 
Clark: Yup. 
Parent: This plan work for you? 
Clark: Yup. 
Parent: It works for me, too. Thanks for solving the 
problem with me, buddy. 
Of course, when parents say “safety issues,” they’re fre-
quently referring to what their child is doing in the midst 
of an explosion (hitting, throwing things, etc.). But since 
most explosions are precipitated by an adult doing Plan A, 
there’s a simple antidote: Don’t do Plan A in the first place. 
A mother was very upset that her son had punched her as 
they argued over whether he could eat five chocolate chip 
cookies. She was understandably ver y upset over having been 
hit. Her story suggested that there was work to be done on 
achieving safety. But her stor y also suggested that the mother 
had more work to do on her decision-making about the Plans. 
“Hitting is Plan A, right?” the mother asked. 
“How do you mean?” the therapist asked. 
“If he hits me, then it’s time for Plan A, right?” she asked. 

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150 
The Explosive Child 
“Well, I’m more concerned about what it was that 
caused him to hit you,” the therapist responded. “What 
Plan did you want to use to address the chocolate chip 
cookie issue?” 
The mother paused. “I didn’t want him to have more 
chocolate chip cookies.” 
“So you told him he couldn’t have any more,” said the 
therapist. 
“Right,” said the mother. 
“So you wanted to be using Plan A, yes?” 
“What, you think I should have just let him eat the cook-
ies?” asked the mother. 
“Well, that would have been Plan C,” said the therapist. 
“So you’re saying I should have been doing Plan B,” said 
the mother. 
“If you didn’t want him to have five cookies and you 
didn’t want him to explode, then yes, then Plan B would 
have been the way to accomplish those two missions simul-
taneously.” 
“You don’t think him hitting me is serious?” asked the 
mother. 
“Him hitting you is very serious,” said the therapist. 
“So what should I do about the hitting?” asked the 
mother. 
“If you’re solving problems and resolving disagreements 
with Plan B, I think you’ll greatly reduce the likelihood of 
getting hit,” said the therapist. 

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Learning Curves 
151