A new Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated

Parent: I’ve noticed that you haven’t wanted to go 
to gymnastics lately. What’s up? 
Child: I don’t like my new coach. 
Adult: You don’t like your new coach. You mean 
Ginny? How come? 
Child: It’s boring. All she has us do is stretch. That’s 
boring. 
Adult: OK, let me make sure I’ve got this straight. You 
haven’t wanted to go to gymnastics lately 
because it’s boring . . . just a bunch of stretching. 
Child: Right. 
Adult: I can understand that. The thing is, you usually 
really like gymnastics, and you’re really good at it, 
so I’d hate to see you give it up. 
Child: I don’t care. 
Adult: Really? You sure you don’t care? 
Child: Not if it’s just going to be a bunch of 
stretching. 
Adult: Well, I wonder if there’s a way to solve this 
problem so you’re doing more of the things you 
like in gymnastics. 

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186 
The Explosive Child 
Child: Ginny’s not going to change the way she 
does her class. 
Adult: You might be right about that. But let’s think 
about this. I don’t know if “asking for help” will 
solve this problem. And I can’t think of how we 
would “meet halfway” or “give a little” on this 
one, especially if you think Ginny isn’t going to 
change the way she does her class. I’m thinking 
this is one where we’d “try to do it a different 
way.” What do you think? 
Child: I don’t know what a different way would be. 
Adult: Well, Ginny’s not the only one who teaches 
that level. The main reason we picked Ginny’s 
class is because the other class that’s your level is 
the same time as your ice skating lesson. But I bet 
we could change ice skating to a different time. 
Then you could be in the other class. What do you 
think? 
Naturally, this Plan B discussion would continue until 
a realistic, doable, and mutually satisfactory solution has 
been agreed upon. Not only would the problem get 
solved, Plan B would have been done in a way that set the 
stage, over time, for the child to begin using the categories 
as a framework for generating solutions. The expectation 
is that eventually the child would no longer need a “sur-
rogate frontal lobe” to steer her through the process. 

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Teach Your Children Well 
187 
Reflect on the Likely Outcomes of Solutions and the Degree 
to Which They Are Feasible and Mutually Satisfactory 
One of the reasons parents lose faith in Plan B—at 
least initially—is that the child has failed to follow 
through on an agreed-upon solution. As you know, this 
is usually the sign of an unrealistic solution (one of the 
two parties involved wasn’t actually capable of deliver-
ing on what they’d agreed to) or a solution that failed to 
adequately address the child’s concern. Remember, Plan 
B isn’t an exercise in wishful thinking; it’s the hard 
work of collaborating on mutually satisfactory and 
doable solutions. 
It turns out that a lot of children (perhaps especially 
those whose difficulties involve the executive skills path-
way) have difficulty thinking about the likely outcomes 
of solutions they consider. Others (often those whose 
difficulties involve the cognitive flexibility skills and so-
cial skills pathways) have difficulty thinking about 
whether the solutions under consideration are truly real-
istic and address both concerns. The first issue can be ad-
dressed by having the surrogate frontal lobe anticipate 
and describe the likely outcomes of the solutions that 
have been generated. (“Well, here’s what I think will 
happen if we choose that solution, and here’s what I 
think it will look like if we choose the second option. 

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188 
The Explosive Child 
Which of those outcomes do you think would work the 
best?”) If a child is having difficulty thinking about 
whether solutions address both concerns, adults can re-
spond as follows: “Miguel, I know that solution would 
make you happy, but it wouldn’t make me very happy. 
Let’s try to think of a solution that would make both of 
us happy.” If the child can’t think of a mutually satisfac-
tory solution, the surrogate frontal lobe is there to help. 
After multiple repetitions the child should be better 
able to independently generate solutions that are mutu-
ally satisfactory. 
TRAINING OTHER SKILLS WITH PLAN B