extremely frustrated because he doesn't know how to make things better. One minute she
seems happy, and so he believes he is doing a good job and then the next minute she is
unhappy. He is shocked because he thought he was doing so well.
71
Don't Try to Fix It
Bill and Mary had been married for six years. Bill had observed this wave pattern in Mary, but
because he didn't understand it, he tried to "fix it," which just made matters worse. He thought
something was wrong with her tendency to go up and down. He would try explaining to her
that she didn't need to be upset. Mary only felt more misunderstood and thus more distressed.
Although he thought he was "fixing it," he was actually preventing her from feeling better.
When a woman moves into her well, he needs to learn that this is when she needs him the
most, and it is not a problem to be solved or fixed, but an opportunity to support her with
unconditional love.
Bill said, "I can't understand my wife, Mary. For weeks she is the most wonderful woman. She
gives her love so unconditionally to me and to everyone. Then suddenly she becomes
overwhelmed by how much she is doing for everyone and starts being disapproving of me. It's
not my fault she's unhappy. I explain that to her, and we just get into the biggest fights."
Like many men, Bill made the mistake of trying to prevent his partner from "going down" or
"bottoming out." He tried to rescue her by pulling her up. He had not learned that when his
wife was going down she needed to hit bottom before she could come up.
When his wife, Mary, started to crash, her first symptom was to feel overwhelmed. Instead of
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